There are 2 screaming kids & a guy talking full voice on his cell in this bank. I’ll wave at you on the news tonight as they lead me away.
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[being stared at by a bunch of guys as I bathe in an airport washroom] can someone get my back please?
Mom: if all your friends jumped off a bridge would you jump too
Me: no
Mom: how about 1 friend
Me: what
Mom: ok no friends & a ride there
[dinner]
HER: don’t embarrass me tonight
ME: how would I do that?
WAITER: just an fyi we ran out of lettuce
ME: ok, everyone romaine calm
When I die I want to be dressed like a scuba diver and placed on top of Mount Everest to confuse the climbers
[in space]
ASTRONAUT: Up here you can have delusions
ME: Haha I don’t think so
A: They can seem real
GANDALF: Don’t believe him
ME: I don’t
Me: Now that you’re in kindergarten, you’re going work on being a good citizen to your classmates. Do you know what that means?
My 5YO: Yeah like don’t swear at them and don’t punch them.
Me: … yeah, pretty much
deleting dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (he and his donkey rescue me from a tower guarded by a dragon)
UK and US word differences
UK | US
Crisps | Guns
Chips | Guns
Nappy | Gun
Biscuit | Gun
Pavement | Floor Gun
Lollypop | Gun
Gun | Two Guns
The way this kid screams and cries I’m shocked the parents are willing to pay so much to get it back.
Social butterfly? Nah.
I’m more like a social Sasquatch. Some people swear they’ve seen me, but no one really believes them.
My prediction: the Euro Cup final will be won by whichever team first figures out that there’s nothing in the rules that says you can’t grab the ball with your hands and run into the goal with it
To sell their vehicles one company is featuring a heart felt country ballad, “I’ve got a heart like a truck.” So, if you live in the suburbs do you have a heart like a four door sedan?
I have taken 37 steps since March 16th. Call me for your fitness needs.
The house from Hansel and Gretel but made out of tacos.
Went into my 11yo’s room and found a loose leaf paper full of dried up boogers, in case you’re looking for reasons to stay on birth control.
My life would be so much better if I could use a smokebomb to conceal my escape after being turned down by a girl.
[cloudy weather]
simba: lot of dead dads out today
Geez man, take it easy.
ME: Who do you want to be at my Frozen-themed party?
FRIEND: Let me be Olaf or Elsa
ME: Ok but never threaten me in an Italian accent again
her: i saw a shark walking along the beach
me: *flicks cigarette* sharks don’t even have feet, jen
Why do I keep seeing ads for yaks on my screen when I bought mine months ago?
Go to bed barstool. You’re drunk
[at therapist]
I don’t know, sometimes I just feel invisible
Therapist: WHO SAID THAT?!?
When fans used to race in to get the winners golf ball
To the organizations that send me news alerts: However interested you think I am in the private life of Taylor Swift, I promise you it’s less than that.
When you finally manage to get the piece of popcorn out of your teeth
I don’t care which way you swing, guy wearing a Tapout t-shirt & Capri pants, but you’ve GOT to make a choice.
Lol.. The Parrot is sticking to the code and won’t talk… Lol… I’m done.
Dating a guy with big hands is the best, at any time I can say “Babe, can you hold these 72 doll heads?”
And he can, he can hold them all.