All of the good tweets are either married or gay.
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Hey microwaves that make me hit a “time” button before I start pressing numbers: what else would I be trying to do here, make a phone call?
do you like my signals
I mixed them myself
Math is like my parenting. I do it when I have to, but I’m not great at it.
My daughter asked me why my grandfather was a racist, and if she has to become one too
I said it was because his parents didn’t raise him properly, and he was ignorant and full of hate
As she walked away crying I realized she was asking me how he became a race car driver
Date: everything ok?
Me: yeah, sorry. I was just thinking about the death of my wife
Date: oh my gosh, I’m sorry. when was it?
Me: tonight if you play your cards right
i like calling a man my “former lover” because then it sounds like it happened in france and not in the bonefish grill parking lot
Sorry my emotional support panther ate your emotional support peacock.
Pretty fed up with the fact that pandemonium almost NEVER involves pandas.
Back to the Future IV: Marty Mcfly stops being obsessed with his own family and goes back in time to kill Hitler.
Answering spam calls just to brush up on my pig latin is way more entertaining than I expected.
Flex on your mother in-law by leaving nursing home pamphlets lying around the house.
me: here’s an idea. a dishwasher that ‘beeps’ when it’s finished
CEO: yeah. like, twenty times
me: lmao two or three times is more than enou-
CEO: TWENTY TIMES
me: but-
CEO: T̶̨̮̲̱̎͐̾͒͑W̴̨̺̭͛͗͆̀E̸̦̾̇͗͝Ṅ̴̦̪̿̇T̸̩̫̐̾͒Y̷̨͇̯̞̌́́͌ ̵̧̜͚͛̕͘T̶̛̞͑̒͑̅Ḯ̵͚̆̕M̵̫̠͉̀Ë̸͔̝̬́̌̈͘S̶̝̘̓̽͒̒͑-
ME: welcome home John Wick
JOHN WICK: thanks roomie. How’s my tamagotchi?
ME: *starts sweating profusely*
I like when videogames limit how many things you can hold. “You have 100 items in an invisible bag. Carrying another would be unrealistic”
Did I do this right
Birthday Card Discreetly Passed Around Office Like Some Sort Of Covert CIA Operation
After a week of helping the kids doing online learning we have decided that math is really not a necessarily life skill
You’re over 40. You HAVE glasses but WHERE are they?
You can still be mysterious after over sharing cause in that moment everyone is thinking “why would she say that”
famous: well-known for Good reasons
infamous: well-known for Bad reasons
therefore
flammable: catches on fire for Good reasons
inflammable: catches on fire for Bad reasons
I like running up to kids, punching a puppy in the face and screaming “WHERE IS YOUR GOD NOW?” And that’s my long-term solution to religion.
All I want for Christmas is you.
Buried in my backyard.
The cardboard crowds are getting a little Rowdy at the game.
If being hydrated is such a great thing, why does it feel like my bladder is pissed off?
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: Answering stupid questions.
My sense of humor can best be described as “Are you okay? Did someone hit you in the head?”
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: why are you leaving?-me, watching an Avengers movie with my family
[sees giant spider in house]
[tells girlfriend “I got this”]
[slowly rolls up magazine]
[uses magazine as megaphone & yells out the window “SAVE US!!”]
i hate daylight savings. it’s gonna take me weeks to stop writing the wrong time on my checks.
If you’re going to give someone a piece of your mind, make sure you can spare it.