went into the office today to catch up w my boss and he was like “i can tell you’re really intelligent” couldnt work up the courage to tell him its just a little bit of psychology and pretending to look focused while he talks 80% of the time
You Might Also Like
Him: Are u free later?
Me: No I’m expensive all the time
Me: I really want to go travelling
My bank balance: like…around the house?
INTERVIEWER: What are your skills?
BATMAN: I right things.
I: What do you write?
B: I Right People’s Wrongs.
I: Oh so you’re an editor?
Friend: If you could have dinner with anyone alive or dead, who would you choose?
Me: Definitely an alive person
Friend:
Me: Better conversation
My husband asked what I wanted for Valentine’s day
Apparently ‘a night out with my boyfriend’ is not an acceptable answer
a 3 y/o asked if i was an adult yesterday, when i said “yes” he goes “why?” and honestly i don’t have a good answer for it. why am i an adult?? i could be anything?!!
My birthday’s 9 months after my dad’s. So I have to live with that knowledge.
Apple will start making Macs in America. In related news, Macs will now cost 3 billion dollars. #SOTU
It’s perfectly normal to shave your legs just from the top of your boots to the hem of your dress, right?
Wife, lecturing son: You can’t just “wing it” your entire life
Me, later to my son when we’re alone: You actually can just wing it, you just can’t tell people that’s what you’re doing
Co-worker small talk at work today: How was your weekend?
Me: Don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it
Not long enough ahhh haha ha
Head and Shoulders should make a body wash called ‘Knees and Toes’
Amazon only lets you put 51 items in your cart and
A) that’s bullshit
B) I probably shouldn’t know this
When the DJ puts Thriller on at the wedding
A coward dies a thousand deaths, a soldier dies but one. That’s why I look up to cowards, enduring so many deaths makes you strong.
I’m seriously considering adoption who wants me.
Who called it baking and not making love
Believe me, I looked.
But I couldn’t find a single Valentine’s card that said “You’re a nice guy, but I don’t want to go on a third date.”
Am sitting in horrible traffic, but fortunately someone is beeping their horn so we should be on the move soon.
[swirls, sniffs and sips red wine]
Yes, this is delicious. I will have a glass.
Ma’am, this is a church, let go of the cup and sit down.
1st wise man: I brought gold for the baby
2nd wise man: [hiding frankincense behind his back] actually that gold is from both of us
Don’t talk to me until after I’ve had my breakfast beer
My washing machine at noon: “I will gently wash these clothes.”
My washing machine at midnight: “I WILL WASH THE HELL OUT OF THESE CLOTHES!!”
My friend’s newborn is staring at me with the disdainful contempt of someone who has know me for at least a few weeks longer
If I say “last Star Wars” and u say “Actually you mean 3rd Star Wars! It’s a prequel!” I’m going to hit u with a fish tank.
Why do people always ask me how my day off was? I’m a parent, my harshest boss is 3ft tall and lives in my house
[mcdonalds]
me: two marijuanas please
employee: this is the mcdonald’s drive thru
me: two McMarijuanas please
[first date]
“so what do you do?”
*thinking about the jar of coins I plan to use for new shrubs* I’m a hedge fund manager
HOW ARE SPOTTED OWLS ENDANGERED IF THEY’RE ALWAYS BEING SEEN
Food trucks but instead of food it’s therapy and they’re called automofeels