@HeyZeus666: I got mugged in college by a gang of Asians. Two of them held me down and a third corrected my math homework before fleeing into the night.

@david8hughes: Therapist: what would you say to your dad if he were alive today? Me: sorry for cremating you. I honestly thought you were dead

@nowme_datta: How do people get their drivers to murder someone? Mine sulks if I ask him to fetch groceries.

@GrantTanaka: [band comes out for encore] DO YOU WANNA HEAR ONE MORE crowd: YAAAAAHHHH me: GETTING KINDA LATE GUYS

@heatherlou_: A "good parenting" blog followed me. Should I let them know how long ago that ship sailed?