There are 7 trillion nerves in the human body and some people manage to get on every one.
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help keep the English language alive by teaching your kids nearly outdated expressions
Plus nothing beats a 5yo pointing & yelling “BEHOLD!”
You can tell a lot about a person when you’re a snitch
I’m not Madagascar, I’m just disappointedgascar
One of the dumbest things I ever heard was a friend of mine asking for advice about his wife being pissed at him for a week straight. She’d been trying to spice up their love life and asked him what he liked that she didn’t know about and he said Asian girls lmfao
As an adult, I’m most afraid when my children’s toys randomly make noise and nobody is in their rooms….
Pack some crackers, we’re going on a cheeseabout.
Been trying to get cash from my local ATM for a week but it keeps saying “insufficient funds.” You’d think they’d have refilled it by now.
3 is feeding 1 strawberries and calling him Baby Babe. It’s so sweet, I can almost forget he tried to lock him in the closet half an hour ago.
Before I became a parent I had no idea there were so many different ways to count to 3.
My boss just farted. I asked him if he was trying to get the condom out. He’s mad now.
I don’t understand why the pediatrician runs hearing tests, all you have to do is open a tub of ice cream 2 floors away in the middle of the night and you can tell if your kid can hear
[cops showing wife my body]
“Why is he 50m from where he got shot?”
“Our best guess was he tried crawling home to clear his browser history”
Death: your time has come.
Me: no! not now!
Death: yes now.
Me: but… I have to poop?
Death: ……damn it. Go on then.
Me: wow that actually worked.
My toddler: *nods sagely*
*you see a bear approaching*
“quick play dead!”
*bear runs up to you*
“OH GOD. WHO DID THIS TO YOU. ANSWER ME. WHO DID THIS TO YOUUUU”
Is it okay for men to sit down to pee? The manager of this sofa store doesn’t seem to think so.
HR: No. 1 asset u would bring to Verizon customer support?
Applicant: Integrity
HR: Seriously?
A: No.
HR: Hired!
*calls restaurant*
Me: Hi is your place a kid friendly restaurant?
Host: Of course it is sir
*hangs up*
Why doesn’t every mistake in real life I make have a squiggly red line underneath it?
Why the plus or minus on the pregnancy test, ept? How about a simple yes or no and we’ll decide if that’s positive or negative.
*walks into childhood home*
Him: what’s wrong?
Me: it all looks so different. I distinctly remember the floor being lava.
wife: Feeling better?
me: Yeah
wife: Kind of overreacted to a cold didn’t you?
[flashback to me calling the Make-A-Wish Foundation]
me: No
Don’t try to out-awkward me, I once told a blind man he had a good-looking dog
Fun fact: a baby tortoise is called a tortellini.
NO…I don’t “make plans” because plans suggest INTENT…
…which is typically the distinction between second & first degree convictions.
Why do people knock on a locked public restroom door? And what is the person inside to say? “who is it?”
Standing in line at the grocery store. Lady behind me says “you can move up and stand on that X on the floor”
I politely said “No, I’ve seen far too many Road Runner cartoons to fall for that”
It’s called crossfit because you’re really mad that you’re doing it
Shout out to the little teapot song for making it okay to be short & stout.
“I knew Jesus when he was just a carpenter.”
-the first hipster