There are 70,000 Jehovah’s Witnesses in Melbourne for a conference. So I’ll be answering the door naked this weekend.
You Might Also Like
it’s fun to yell CHEESE! at a group of girls and watch them switch to their Facebook Poses
[plummeting from a huge cliff to my death] I’m hungry
Women’s voices naturally get higher as they get excited so if you’re in bed and she still sounds like Morgan Freeman, try harder.
If people winked in real life as much as they do on the Internet, the world would be about 542.67% creepier.
Me: Would you like a sample?
Boss: What are you doing?
Me: Handing out free samples.
Boss: No, you’re supposed to take samples from people, not hand them out!
Me: This is a weird Costco.
Boss: This is a sperm bank and you’re fired.
I just told my boss that “STFU” stands for “Sincere Thanks For Understanding” and it’s REALLY important that none of you tell him otherwise
Him: I’d prefer that you just remain unapologetic instead of offering up some non-apology.
Me: I’m sorry you feel that way.
I got kicked out of the casino in Las Vegas.
I didn’t cheat. I just misunderstood what the craps table was for.
[at preschool open house hearing nut allergy policy]
*raises hand*
What if I draw a peanut on her napkin?Wife: Please go wait in the car
If u love someone and they don’t love u back the first thing you need to do is make them a scrapbook with you both in little wedding outfits
Man at the dog park: Who’s a good girl? WHOSAGOODGIRRRRLLL????
Me: *looks around* *slowly raises hand*
Did you know cats are called cats because they’re roughly half the size of cattle?
When you hire me, I should be able to make HR click an “I agree to the terms and conditions” button like installing software updates. A month later, they ask why I didn’t show up to work on Monday and I laugh and say “Looks like somebody didn’t read page 147.”
Nice mustache, bro.
Her: What?
When I’m worried about something, I find that going on a walk is a great way to get outside, breathe, and think of new things to worry about
I often offer prayers for my parents to be smiling and happy as they look down on me from heaven, but dad says if I include it again when I’m saying Grace it will be the last time they visit for Thanksgiving.
I’m at my most athletic when I’m running up stadium stairs to buy another beer.
Own two different pasta machines.
still make cup noodles with the Keurig.
I don’t mean to sound racist, but why do all Chinese food takeout boxes look the same?
Swiss cheese is cheating cheese cause there’s holes where there could be more cheese stay woke.
Gotta love it when people get a half inch of snow and think the world is ending.
Canadian up.
Just for fun I’m putting these on windshields in parking lots all over the city on Valentines Day…
Got a little bit lost in the woods. I’m putting everything into the clothes hamper in case of tics.
Heck, I’m going into the hamper too.
At Dunkin Donuts-
8: Can I get choc. milk?
Me: We have that at home.
8: We have coffee at home too…
Me: WHO TAUGHT YOU LOGICAL THINKING?!
Me: *gets comfortable*
Life: Just one more thing …
[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow- you didn’t waste any time, did you Becky
This kid will have a bright future.
“Honey, remember our first date?”
“Awh, are you planning something for Valentine’s?”
“No, I forgot my password. It’s the security question.”
The teenage boy cashier just told my wife that her tampon coupon is expired…and all of Target went silent.
Sweardle is the 4-letter expletive-only version of Wordle. I can’t help but think they’ve missed a trick, however, by not calling it Angry Words.