There are 70,000 Jehovah’s Witnesses in Melbourne for a conference. So I’ll be answering the door naked this weekend.
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starbuck cashier: can i get a name
guy ordering in front of me: it’s Ben
me: ONE WEEK since you looked at me
Why would you ask me for directions?
You just saw me walk into a closed door.
My neighbors listen to really good music… Whether they like it or not.
*panicking* 3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3
Somebody better tell me what extortion means or I am going to start breaking kneecaps
When a couple I’m friends with splits up, I always choose sides with the one who won’t ask to sleep on my couch.
Polite way of saying gfy in unwanted DM 😉
Anteater Kid: What’s for dinner?
Anteater Mom: Don’t be a smart ass, Brandon.
Good luck listening to 80’s music without imagining my silhouette doing karate poses.
All Your Eggs in One Basket would be a lovely name for an only child
Interviewer: What are you passionate about? I want someone who’s full of passion. Passion is so motivational.
Me: I’m passionate about a paycheque, sir.
wanna reboot your brain?
eat spicy ramen
I never got into House MD because it was too farfetched. A doctor who’s rude and doesn’t listen to you?
*Uses public restroom
**Squats so long walks out with buns of steel
My son just let a girl “borrow” his hoodie.
Should I tell him now or let him learn?
me: *kicking stirrups* go on now git
gynecologist: stop that
There’s a certain kind of voodoo involved when it takes forever to lose 5 pounds, and only one cupcake to gain it back.
Doctor told me I only have 6 months to live, maybe 12 if I get enough likes on Facebook.
But what is Congress going to do about the fact that I made too much pasta last night 😡
*helps wife get toddler in his high chair*
wife: That’s a new shirt, let’s put a bib on you
me [wearing a bib] This is ridiculous
I think my husband is beginning to suspect
TOP 5 PAINFUL THINGS:
5: relationship breakup
4. going to prison
3. disease diagnosis
2. death of a loved one
1.
in a really good place right now!! (ordered something off the sandwich menu and it turned out to be a “toast” and i almost started crying)
[as i’m getting buried alive by a serial killer] wait stop who’s gonna feed my tamagotchis
me: i’m sad about this thing
therapist: but it’s not about that thing
me: ok thx here’s $175
*rolls out of bed*
*rolls into other strategically placed bed*
“Nice.”
($800 for an iphone)
oh no problem here you go
(99 cents for an app)
HA I DONT THINK SO PAL MONEY DOESNT GROW ON TREES YA KNOW
I only ate one meal yesterday. It just lasted for six hours.
An owl showing some catlike behavior.