There are few things more awkward on a blind date than looking up from your phone to realise she’s left.
She obviously wasn’t blind at all.
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i did it God! i finaly got 2 of evry animal
NOAH.THEY HAVE TO BE ALIVE
*noah looks at boat full of dead animals*
do u kno how long this took
Hand a baby a fork and he looks like a young Poseidon.
God: let’s put berries on bushes
Angel: Yeah that will be easy food for humans
God: Make some poisonous
Angel: why
God: it’s like a game
These fireworks are awesome! High four!
When I was a kid I thought 40 was really really old and now I’ve discovered I was right.
me: if i follow them, will i see their tweets?
Twitter: absolu-
Twitter algorithm: no.
*lifts 10 pound weight*
Nice.
*adds “salmon” to list of animals I could protect a woman from*
*First Date*
Me: *Flirting* You have to promise not to fall in love with me.
Him: There’s cheese in your hair. And we haven’t eaten yet.
Him: I think we should see other people
Me: *eating a cheese ball like an apple* why
mom: call your grandmother, she sent you a birthday card with $10
me: ok
[later]
me: hey grandma
grandma: hello dear
me: i need more money, this isn’t 1842
Overheard on the bus:
“Stop eavesdropping on our conversation, it’s creepy and you won’t get any funny tweets out of it”
As he stealthily slid the paper with my balance on it, I nodded at my bank teller for protecting my 12.03$ from the 2 old women behind me.
[on phone]
ME: Babe what’s the wifi password?
HER: We broke up. I told you last night
ME: We broke up, got it. Any upper case or spaces?
One cake enters. No cake leaves.
People who say ‘have a nice day’, like I planned this shit show
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: Because I don’t think Die Hard is a Christmas movie?
COP: *drawing weapon* Don’t move you son of a-
It isn’t until your kids start talking back that you realize dogs would’ve been a better option.
Anyone else pick up clothes from the floor, knowing full well they are clean, and throw them in the laundry because that’s another day’s problem?
Please tell me I’m not alone on this.
if i saw a ufo i would simply identify it. not that big of a deal
me: what kind of dog is that?
him: husky
me: sorry, *deep raspy voice* what kind of dog is that?
Meanwhile, at the bar:
Batman: “Whisky.”
Aquaman: “Appletini.”
“WHAT?”
“It’s vodka, apple schnapps…”
“You’re off the Justice League.”
I don’t think the lady who just shushed a baby in the library knows how babies work
I turned on my computer and it went “Word” and I was like “Yo”.
Im an adult and still don’t play by the rules *pretends to take long drag from chocolate cigarette*
(Person choking)
Heimlich: Would it help if I gave you a hug?
2016: No way will Trump win the election
2017: No way will President Trump fire all those nukes
2018: No way we’re doing what those Apes say
The size of the gates in Jurassic Park suggests they were always planning on letting the dinosaurs out.
My family has that exceptional ability to make a root canal seem pleasant.
Exits public bathroom stall
Makes eye contact with the person next in line
Mouths: “I’m so sorry”
me: I’m stuck in a time loop
friend: *sighing* is your watch on too tight
me: my watch is on too tight 🙂