There are four main food groups:
1. Canned
2. Frozen
3. Drive-thru
4. Fried
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Me: What do you want for Christmas?
Him: You not telling me I did something wrong for a whole day.
Me: no. Think of something else.
Friends: Let’s roll a fatty
Me: I have a name guys and pls don’t
*starts my own YouTube channel so my kids will listen to me.
I am a gravy boat captain
[watching the news]
God: oh my me, this show is awful who wrote this
angel: you did sir
Yup
[Séance]
*knock, knock*
ME: Wh-who’s there?
[ouija board spells out A-T-C-H]
ME: atch who?
[spells out B-L-E-S-S-Y-O-U]
ME: Dammit, Grandpa!
Oh you lost your glasses on your face? I lost my cell phone while on a call.
You’ve ripped the husband stick figure off your minivan, but also the cat stick figure. This is a story I want to hear.
Me on a dinner date: be cool, be cool, be cool…..
*dips cookie in barbecue sauce
I made a huge to do list for today. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.
I haven’t been to the gym in months. I wonder if all the pudding cups in my locker have spoiled?
Walking my dog we saw a guy in a suit walking his dog and I know my dog is thinking I don’t dress nice for him anymore.
*ghost hunter looking for ghosts in our bedroom turns on a blacklight*
Me: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
Ghost Hunter: *eyes widen* Look at all the ectoplasm. It’s everywhere!
Me: That’s exactly what that is.
a murder of crows, a troop of monkeys, a pod of dolphins, a herpe of Kardashians
“I have so much to do” she says, staring at a tree for five years
[walking around still disappointed 6 hours after visiting an aquarium]
wife: what did you think a tiger shark was, brent
I don’t think some women realize just how handsome my mom says I am.
I tried to contact Joan Rivers through my ouija board, and a message came back: “If I wasn’t already dead, your outfit would’ve killed me”.
Me: how are you feeling about all of this?
Husband: i dunno. i feel like the cold hand of death is upon me.
Me. *pulling back my dried, shriveled, over washed hands* oh, ya, ya. sounds like you’re a goner.
An 80’s style montage of me and a dog learning to use chopsticks, and the dog progressing marginally faster
Bought a pair of Converse shoes months ago and they haven’t said a single word to one another.
doctor who has a passion for magic, during a colonoscopy: is this your card?
“Women & Children first” i yell heroically from the Dentist’s waiting room
Wife: I read my mom that funny tweet you wrote.
Me: Don’t you mean THOSE funny TWEETS?
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: No. No, I don’t.
just a heads-up any of you wander onto my property and say “hi! i’m from twitter!” i’m turning on the sprinklers
A San Francisco man is running seven marathons in seven days on seven continents; he’s expected to be seven times as annoying about it.
The word October loosely translates to ’eight bers’
DAD: please help find my daughter
DETECTIVE: what does she look like
DAD: [scrolling thru 9,674 selfies of her with snapchat filters] I D… I DON’T KNOW
“uh… dare.”
-Pinocchio