“There are hot Shingles in your area”
– My Doctor
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About four minutes into any run I decide to work on my personality instead.
You can’t scare me. You’re not my husband holding my credit card over the shredder.
No one:
Absolutely no one:
My 5yo: I wanna know how people break out of jail.
Toilet roll shortage. Fine.
Potatoes. Yes whatever.
Chocolate shortage.. PANIC BUY.
Me: I’ll take Glinda the Good Witch because I love shoes, Ursula the Sea Witch so she could silence annoying people for me, and Maleficent because I love to sleep.
Genie: But that’s not…eh, never mind, your witches are granted.
Welcome to parenting, your kids will never want to speak to you until you’re on the phone speaking to someone else.
I’m still writing “Slovakia” on all my Czechs.
(you can unfollow me at anytime)
My stylist cut my bangs too short so now I look like a dreadfully concerned 7 year old.
Just yelled “F, YOU GUYS!” to my students.
Another perk of being a music teacher…
A man 20 years my junior just stepped right in front of me without saying excuse me. So I tripped him and he fell down the stairs. I asked him if he was okay because I have manners.
No, YOUR illiterate.
Body: time to sleep.
Brain: hey that’s an interesting thought, here’s six billion more.
As an adult you’re either extremely dehydrated or have to pee every 5mins, there is no in between.
If there was a game show where people have to find a phone charger before their phone dies I would win the million dollars
Friend: *sees my new tattoo of dogs kissing* Whoa! Is that permanent?!
Me: Yup.
Friend: Wow. What’s it mean?
Me: It means I can’t remove it.
Ever get up, put the dogs out, unclog the overflowing toilet the wife left for you, get dressed for work, let the dogs in and then wake up in the easy chair and find you’re 20 minutes late?
Just me?
“Why would you want to live in the Matrix instead the richness of reality, doesn’t make any sense,” I mutter as I reach for my phone immediately after waking up.
“Hi, my name is Gary and I’m a shopaholic, my favorite place to shop is the alcohol store.”
Screaming into a pillow is therapeutic but it also gets you kicked out of Target.
Snoring doesn’t sound like little honk shoo honk shoos and I feel like I’ve been lied to my entire life
Mars: I’m wet
NASA: I’m coming over
i have lived through 30 winters and i’m somehow still surprised when it gets dark before 5pm in november
I wonder if the guy who coined the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases.
How I begin all my work emails: I hope you’re doing okay during this very difficult time of being away from me.
*5.30 a.m.*
6: Mom, I’ve decided to make breakfast for everyone.
Me *groggily*: Oh, that’s sweet.
6: How many people live in our neighborhood?
Me: GO BACK TO BED!
Me: I’m pregnant
Him: OH NO
Me: with emotion
Him: oh, whew
Me: because there’s a baby inside me
Jesus died for our sins. But he was only dead for 3 days. So what did he sacrifice? His weekend. Jesus gave up his weekend for our sins.
marrying a French man really helped me understand the French revolution because once you’ve heard literally anyone from France talk about other French people you understand how ready this entire country is to just starting guillotining each other
[1st date]
Her: I have a confession. [Sigh] Sometimes, I see dead people.
Me: [An idiot zombie, taking off my disguise] What a RELIEF.
Robin Hood [hands over stolen fortune]: here you are, my poor friend
Friend: wow thanks. I’m rich!
Robin [narrows eyes]: you’re what