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@Thynebear: "There are hot Shingles in your area"
- My Doctor
@OleThickHawk: My wife came into my room at the ER and started unplugging stuff and flipping switches until she realized that I had just sprained my ankle.
@AsYouNotWish: I hate it when celebrities ask me to donate to some fund, you make 30 millions a movie & I make $30 a day. You send money.
@AndyAsAdjective: "my eye is up here"
@Michael1979: Therapist: Your relationships fail due to your selfishness
*I slip him a twenty*
T: They fail because you're great & everyone else is awful
@twelveyearsold: i was just roughed up by a hipster bully. he gave me a knuckle sandwich, but also offered a gluten free alternative