“There are hot Shingles in your area”
– My Doctor
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me: I know we’ve only been together a short time, but I made you a mixed tape
kidnapper: 😳
It’s Friday after 2, setting automatic replies in outlook to just say “Chimichanga” with no further explanation.
I hope when I get old, my motorized wheelchair is fast enough the catch the ice cream truck.
One day when the kids ask about life before the crab war you’ll laugh nervously and continue walking sideways to crab church.
there is a small frog hiding in the water fountain at work and I am very jealous of him
My signature move at family dinners is waiting for someone to put their drink down at the table & then moving it when they go to the buffet.
Wife: We hid 60 chocolate eggs right?
Me: Yes. I already “found” 5 though.
As a parent my favourite part of the weekend is Monday.
I really want a family
sized bag of peanut butter m&ms
I’ve been eating this memory foam for weeks now and I can’t even remember why I’m still eating memory foam
Prince Charming fell madly in love with Cinderella after only one dance, yet I’ve performed a majestic rendition of The Humpty Dance at multiple weddings and haven’t gotten even one date out of it.
“Well, you only live once.”
– Guy, convincing himself to skydive“Well, you only live once.”
– Me, convincing myself not to skydive
genie: u have three wishes, but u can’t make someone love u
me: random rule but ok
genie: seriously don’t even try
me: ok i won’t
genie:
me:
genie: *crying* trust me it doesn’t work
I’ve learned two important things in life, I can’t remember the first one, but the second one is to write everything down……
I wanted to be the last man on Earth just to find out if all those ladies were lying to me.
[at quick clinic]
Nurse: (sarcastically) Is it okay if I check your temperature?
Me: Come on, I can’t be the only person that’s refused to be weighed.
Anyone that says 100kg of feathers weighs the same as 100kg of steel hasn’t considered the additional weight of having to live with knowing what you did in order to procure 100kg of feathers.
I bought a new BMI smart scale so that I could have a technologically advanced and detailed reason to cry every morning.
I love how all the movies about teenagers have to be set in the 90s or earlier otherwise we’d just be watching kids on their phones for two hours
Amazon talking about show them proof I didn’t get the package 😒
Hey tiny front pocket on a t-shirt… Watcha doin’ there buddy?
How much more of this can I take?
* piles food on buffet plate *
Walk into a pawn shop with a ponytail & a handlebar mustache & they treat you like Ray Liotta walking thru that restaurant in Goodfellas
Me: i feel like we don’t communicate as well lately
Marriage Counselor: where’s your wife?
Me: shit I forgot to tell her about this
dogs can find happiness so easily
Kids today are so coddled- Elf on the Shelf, Toy Story. In my day, if dolls magically came to life, they murdered you and everyone you loved
My university sends requests for money four times a year, so I send them my face in a dog filter.
Breaking Bad – Season 05 Episode 14 – Frame 640 of 2834
I long for the days when waking up with a “stiff one” wasn’t referring to my lower back.
flight attendant: please put all devices in airplane mode
optimus prime: i can only do “truck”