@alispagnola: There are many different theories about why humans even need to sleep but I'm pretty sure it's to charge our phones.
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@Rollinintheseat: Interviewer: "What did you like best about your last job?" Me: "Sometimes, people had birthdays and there was free cake."
@JohnLyonTweets: Autocorrect is changing correctly spelled words. I'm starting to think it has a mind of its AUTOCORRECT IS HARMLESS. GO ABOUT YOUR BUSINESS.
@Hormonella: Me: Hey, great costume, buddy! You look like a real... Him: Ma'am, please step out of the vehicle.
@abbycohenwl: Boss: And this will be your desk. Make yourself at home Me (pulling a rotisserie chicken from my purse & putting it on the desk): Thanks