There are many different theories about why humans even need to sleep but I’m pretty sure it’s to charge our phones.
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me: what do you know about atoms?
friend: very little
me: besides that
If you’re happy and you know it… wash your hands.
gonna start doing mildly unhinged shit to make people uncomfortable.
heat my food for 73 seconds in the microwave,
sit down in the elevator,
pick up my feet a little too high when i walk
whenever someone i know introduces me to someone else i say, “oh, this is the one u were talking about” &watch the awkward stares!
Me, to my dog who is throwing up at the dog park: Bro, you are being so cringe in front of your friends.
“What do you mean ‘stuffed'”?
Me: I got you a Butler to help out around the house.
Wife: I specifically said do not get me a Butler.
Me: sorry man, she’s not interested.
Gerard Butler: [sadly] very good Sir.
They’re not all brilliant, but they’re all mine. Meaning my tweets, and maybe my kids, whatever.
Get a puppy if you are in the market for a best friend who gets you up at 5 am so she can bite you excitedly
I still giggle when i get in an Elevator and someone asks me “Going Down? ” as i am so tempted to say to them “Buy me dinner first”.
An eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth. But a tooth is worth half an eye, so an eye for two teeth also works, if you’re out of eyes.
My fortune cookie message read :
“You appeal to a small, select group
of confused people” ….Uh huh ….
Every time I watch Bambi I hope it will turn out differently, but I always end up drunk and covered in cool ranch doritos
My psychiatrist is mad at me, told him I could hear people but couldn’t see them…he said when does this happen…I said over the phone
I started a funeral business with self-driving hearses, but they keep crashing into other cars.
Business is booming.
I remember a story about a girl with a broken leg, and a boy who told her not to fight the pain but instead to gently ride its waves until she could actually see the pain far away beneath her, so she hit him with a rock.
We’re gathered here today to mourn the loss of Derek. His last words were “Watch me try and keep my eyes open while sneezing!”
I wanna get HAMMERED tonight.
Seriously?
Yeah, drunk as hell, bro.
Riiight. Of course, of course. *quietly slides hammer back into sleeve*
I told my doctor I broke my leg in two places. He said I should prolly not go to those places anymore.
HER: What kind of music do you like?
ME: Hm. Imagine dragons.
HER: Okay.
ME: Cool. Now imagine them playing banjos with their claws.
Unless you’ve been in Target with more than 1 child, you have no idea what it’s like to be a lion tamer.
Interviewer: What drives you?
Me: The bus mostly
Interviewer: I mean what motivates you to get out of bed in the morning?
M: missing the bus
Me: I want to buy this chicken
Farmer: Ok. Gonna take him home and eat him?
*imagines self fighting crime with new chicken buddy*
Me: Yes
Boomer: I got this toy when I was 6. I didn’t open it. Now it’s worth $1000!
Gen X: I open shoe boxes on YouTube. Now I’m a millionnaire
Me: this whole quarantine thing has caused me to use my phone so much more. my phone case feels super grimy and sticky.
Husband: are…are you using your phone to spread peanut butter?
Me, licking case: and jam.
We squint at the sun because it’s bright.
We squint at people because they’re not.
I freaked out thinking a cricket was following me for 3 blocks until I realized my phone alarm was set to the cricket sound
If mobile wallets do away with credit cards, they’ll need to come up with an app that can scrape my windshield.
My 5yo acts like some sorta food connoisseur when I cook but today I caught him eating bread that he’d dipped in his cup of milk. What’s the deal with that?!
Eww. RTing her is like giving your TL an STD