There are no atheists in the passenger seat when I drive.
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Beam me up, Scotty
Seam me up, tailor
Meme me up, internet
Team me up, sports agent
Steam me up, sauna
Dream me up, sleeper
Cream me up, barista
[Barber holding a mirror showing me the back of my neck] nope, no good, please start over
The Teen Choice Awards has to be the most legit award show because teens always make the best choices.
If you run out of pet names for your partner, just call them assorted baking ingredients: sugar, honey, cinnamon, vanilla, garlic powder, Montreal steak seasoning, butter, pumpkin.
Me: I’m on a totally liquid diet
Friend: slim fast?
Me: wine
Husband confiscated my credit card last week. The news just said that Amazon stock is down.
THIS IS ALL HIS FAULT.
My toxic trait is that if you see me naked, that girl from the ring murders you in 7 days
I’m listening to a flat earth argument at this bar and I want so bad to interject more stupid nonsense
Remember to recycle your pizza boxes
It’s for the Greta good
”Hey, you like water? yes? well I can turn it into wine.” -Jesus flirting in a bar
I loathe tweets like “Be somebody’s beautiful tragedy”. Might as well tweet using a random word generator.
“Be golf brisket honkytonk”
If elected I will pour out three fingers of scotch and fill the bottle back up with water so my dad doesn’t notice.
I’m not saying it rains a lot in the UK, but I am amazed we don’t get more medieval-style terrified by the occasional snatched glimpses of a giant ball of fire in the sky.
GIRL: Dad, I want you to meet my boyfriend
DAD: Your bf is a bald eagle?
BALD EAGLE: *adjusting toupee* I’m just a regular eagle actually
i got you a candy necklace for a present but then something happened so i got you this string instead
When I die, I’d like a closed casket funeral, but I’d like my body to be painted on the top of the casket, only with a lot more muscles added.
When you say married… Do you mean married married… or just married?
[invention of surfing]
“Stand on this wood so sharks don’t eat you”
I wonder if dogs get embarrassed when they have to stand that way and shit in front of everybody. I know I do.
I can help anyone quit smoking by spraying them with hair spray as they light their cigarette.
A woman just called me ugly and the only thing I could think to say back was “only on the inside”.
HEADLINE: Recent Studies Show Old White Dudes Possibly Becoming Obsolete. “This is bad for everybody,” say Old White Dudes.
That moment when Exam Invigilator looks at your answer sheet and address whole class
“Students, please make sure that you are reading the questions carefully”
Dietician: We need to talk about your self-control with donuts. Clearly, you have a problem. A donut crumb even clogged your phone’s charging port at one point…
Me: That IS self control
Dietician: how?
Me: If a crumb clogged the port, clearly I didn’t eat the whole donut
I want to be the person in every McDonald’s whose job is to sit on the sandwiches just before they go into the bag.
The aliens only appear to people in the US because they’ve heard so much about its many hummus flavours
Me: These eye makeup remover pads are amazing.
Mom: Those are medicated hemorrhoidal pads.
OTHER KIDS IN RESTAURANT: Restlessly coloring on a placemat waiting for food.
MY KIDS: Have already flipped over a booth & set it on fire.
if you have an lgbtq phobic family member tht merely tolerates you. take them aside and explain how you have seen the light and are trying to be cishet. there are classes but they’re expensive–you want it to be a surprise to the rest of the family-so you need $8500 to be straight