There are only two things in this world visible from space. One is the Great Wall of China and the other is my pile of laundry.
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Other moms: I hate summer break
Me: I love summer break – I have no laundry to do since my kids never change their clothes
I have way too much responsibility for someone who still isn’t sure if 12pm is noon or midnight.
guy in a zombie apocalypse who just keeps saying “the zombies are more afraid of us than we are of them” and stands up tall and waves his arms around and yells at them and he turns out to be 100% right
co-pilot: “ask in a way that won’t panic everyone”
pilot: “ok” [via intercom] “is there a fireman on the plane?”
Welcome to Starbucks how may I help you?
“Regular coffee with cream please”
That’s $40, 5ml of unicorn tears, and 10 dragon scales.
“TEN?”
Dad used to remind us kids to check for copperheads hidden in the woodpile. Of less concern was giving an ax to a 10-year-old.
I prayed and accidentally mixed up God and Lord and said Gord. So embarrassing.
“911? Help, my son has gone missing”
[baby lowers hands from eyes]
“Holy crap he just appeared out of nowhere”
This lady on the train has that raspy, cigarette, alcohol, at death’s door kinda voice. I’ma see if she’ll record my voice mail message.
“Thanks for the homemade wine. If going blind had a flavour, this would be it.”
* why I’m not allowed to write thank you cards anymore.
I learned 2 things today:
My cat is slightly smaller than an average duck
That won’t stop her from trying to fight an average duck
The calories don’t count in the bites we have to take of our kid’s food to get them to eat it
No one cares how old your kid was when they were potty trained, Brenda.
I’m a successful adult, and no one has ever asked when I stopped shitting my pants.
Cool I just discovered I can speak my tweets into my phone exclamation mark
Interviewer: Have you worked in a fertility clinic before?
Me: No
[nervous because it’s my 1st interview]
Me: But I used to be an embryo
Dating is a win-win. If things go well, you eat food and fall in love. If they don’t, you still eat food and that’s all that really matters.
Corona has showed me that if we had a zombie virus outbreak, we’d all be zombies within 2 weeks.
HER: Have you sold anything since you became a full-time author?
ME [stares blankly around my empty house] almost everything
“The way to a man’s heart is through his stomach.”
– inept cardiovascular surgeons who end up going into gastroenterology
Me: so I’ve been a little unclear regarding everything you’ve asked me to do since Monday
Boss: Jesus
Me: let me finish. In February. 2011.
At the state fair I realized none of my troubles matter when you dip them in batter
a murderer tries to stab me but im wearing rollerskates and he just kind of pushes me a few feet
i’m no stephen hawking but i think
what happens is that they cancel
each other out
Doctor: you need to improve your diet what do you have for breakfast
Me: eggs
Doctor:
Me: ok reese’s eggs
If sex was my religion, I’d be an athiest.
What do you call a friend who turns a wine glass into a candle holder?
An acquaintance
Just watched a dog chase its tail for 10 min., thought “damn so easily entertained” then realized I watched a dog chase his tail for 10 min.
How many push-ups is too many when meeting your girlfriend’s dad for the first time?
The best part of the Titanic is when Rose is holding onto Jack and she’s all like, ‘I’ll never let go’ and then she lets go.