First date:
*don’t let her know you’re a tyranosaurus, don’t let her know yo..*
Her: So, what do you do for a liv-
*bites her in half*
You Might Also Like
I’m concerned that the Mars Perseverance rover is stealing jobs from space cowboys
“Alexa, yell at my kids to behave every 7 minutes. I’m headed to the bar.”
I’ve invented a loaf of bread that says ‘Good Morning!’ in German.
I’ve also invented one that just says ‘Morning!’ in German, that’s the guten-free version.
other 21 year olds: going on dates, bein cool, having fun
me: trying to become friends w/ the birds outside my house by offering them bread
Wife: You’re so predictable
Me: Yeah? I bet u didn’t see this coming
*I go to throw water on her but shes already wearing a poncho*
Me: Damn
[1st date]
HER: So do you have any hobbies?
SALT SHAKER: Nice dress! It would look great on my floor
HER: What?!
HIM: Just ventriloquism
My cat just started kneading my back in bed and I said “not now” so wish us luck we’re officially married.
Capitalism is controlled by an “invisible hand” that gives most people the invisible finger.
You know you’ve just had lunch with a narcissist when your neck is stiff from nodding.
Nothing says “I love you mom” like my 6yo asking me who gets my iPad when I die.
Being a little kid is so wild. You just learned that chicken nuggets come from chickens, your mom’s brother is your uncle, and you just got your first paycheck from the tooth fairy. Life is good.
Make new friends by waking up strangers with forehead kisses after they’ve fallen asleep on the train.
Ever since I bought this Queen mattress I’ve got shivers down my spine, body’s aching all the time.
Saw a werewolf at the bus stop this morning. Or possibly just a very hairy guy. Either way, the silver bullets worked.
[kangaroo court]
Lawyer: I’m afraid my client has jumped bail.
Judge: Who is surprised by this?
Aries: You will dance on your enemy’s grave this week, finishing 3rd in the grave dancing contest.
the girl behind me on this 14 hr flight has brought a UKULELE and she is PLAYING IT
Police say Oscar Pistorius is a flight risk. How? Does he also have a pair of propeller feet?
my date ended up being a mannequin
i was so embarrassed at the restaurant and then at the movies
Church: time to come back
Me with 3 small boys: Well, OK
Church: not you
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
My wife is hilarious
We’ve been trying to get ahold of our sons daycare corporate for 4 months and they literally do not answer phones or email
She applied for a job and when they contacted her for an interview she asked to be transferred to the person we needed to talk to
Easter tip: Tell your kids you hid an egg with $50 in it in the backyard but you don’t remember where. Enjoy a quiet day indoors.
Me: But I was singing Britney Spears
Karaoke bar bouncer: You were screaming “my loneliness is killing me”
Me: That’s a lyric
Bouncer: You were in the bathroom
Producer: What should we do with the deer movie?
Walt Disney: Kill the mom.
P: and the mermaid movie?
WD: Kill the mom.
P: maybe for the lion movie we can do something different?
WD: Oh ok….kill the dad.
my friend thought his gf was cheating on him but it turned out she was going to a psychic to help her win the powerball and we both agree that’s way worse
Awwww, your kids sound like they are still adorable. My kids are teenagers. They make “yo mama” jokes and then look over at me nervously.
Last night my son gave me a dollar and told me I was a “good guy” and I think he might be in the mob now
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
~ The Okra Show
Sometimes, when he’s really pissed me off, I like to log into his Netflix account and rate every romantic teen drama five stars.