@david8hughes: There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But there's also kids with machine guns so I'm not going.
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@jilleb163: My "I'm enraged!" status update on Facebook garnered a lot of congratulations from people who don't read well.
@TheMichaelRock: HR: Did you tell Brenda she was stupid? Me: Oh god no! I said she is stupid. HR... Me: There's no past tense with that one.
@david8hughes: [looks over neighbour's fence while he's in the pool] "Dude, we get it. You can hold your breath for [looks at watch] 19 days."