There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But there’s also kids with machine guns so I’m not going.
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i remember the first time i asked my dad to sign something for me in high school. he shook his head and said “if i sign this, you’re going to have to learn how to forge my signature. if you sign it from the start, you’ll be able to sign whatever you want and they’ll never know.”
i think a great bit would be if petsmart had just one big evil looking sword in this section
Living check to check is fine til you go from “Think I’ll treat myself to a $7 latte” to “Which kid do I sell to pay for these car repairs.”
Nothing like spending 20 minutes of your day trying to recreate a fart sound your chair made to prove to your coworkers it wasn’t you.
[signing birth certificate]
wife: you put Owen, right?
me: yup
nurse: Now we’ll just need a footprint from little [reading] “Owned”
My teen isn’t feeling well and WebMD says imminent death but Google classroom says imminent math test.
For some reason my hotel room has 2 toilets and i have been using them equally so neither one “feels left out” in case you’re wondering how i’m doing.
I’d give my left arm to be able to leave work and go kayaking.
Albeit it in very slow counterclockwise circles.
Remember, you can disappear into the woods whenever you want. You’re an adult.
“My dog’s learning to speak a foreign language.”
“Español?”
“No, he’s a labrador.”
Doing more laundry today, seems I have more people living here than I can actually see.
Smokey: “Only you can prevent forest fires”
Me: HOLY SHIT A TALKING BEAR
Wife: I’m growing some vegetables.
Me: What if the pig eats them?
Wife: Then I’m growing porkchops.
Me: You were supposed to be cleaning up your room before bed.
9: I want a hug
Me: I’ll never say no to hugs, but your timing is very suspicious.
I told the kids we had 3 of them so we’ve got one to make money, one to marry into it, and whoever’s left gets to change my poopy diapers when I’m done looking after myself. Long story short, they’re now in a race to leave home first.
And that’s how you win at parenting.
listen kid, i have social media profiles older than you
if I were Snow White I’d be like, “Holy shit how are these birds dressing me and why do they know how to color coordinate”
If Nicole Kidman had a child with Gary Oldman, the child’s last name would be Middleagedman
Bahaha. Loving the support, maybe we’ll get this handled.
If a bear attacks you, the best thing to do is play dead. Unless it’s Dave, the Necrophiliac Bear
Now that I’m on Twitter, I can finally put that English degree I obtained to some use…
R.I.P.
A smoke detector, but with voice recognition, that will turn off when you yell, “I’m just cooking”
Sorry I brought my own turntables and tried to battle your wedding DJ
I’m scared of Botox and plastic surgery so my plan for turning 40 is Snapchat filters.
Once a teacher said nobody was buying my cool guy act but he dropped his clipboard and there was a drawing of me in sunglasses on it.
like how’d Scar’s mom know he was going to get a scar one day?
Interviewer: your resume says you’re an excellent waiter
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer: holy shit you’re hired
Computer: [down]
Help desk: you’ll need to submit an online ticket
I have this friend who doesn’t post anything on social media. He just lives his life.
I said, “how am I supposed to know what you’re up to?” he said, “ask me”
What a weirdo.