There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But there’s also kids with machine guns so I’m not going.
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Genie: *rubbing temples* you could have just asked for $300 in one wish
Money was so tight last Xmas I had to sell a kidney for gifts. And this year it’s getting so bad, I may even have to sell one of my own.
[job interview]
“any questions?”
yeah is it Pets Mart or Pet Smart?
“ma’am this is a bank”
I know but you seem like a man with some answers
food is so much better than sex, cause its like same mouth action but guaranteed satisfaction
~Elena Gabrielle
Accomplish whatever tasks you have today with the confidence of a kid who claims to have brushed their teeth
When I die, I hope I have enough time to point at a complete stranger and whisper “you did this.”
I’m the hottest thing these people at the cataract surgery center have ever seen.
*regional mathematics tryouts*
Judge: what is 2+2?
Me: can you use it in a sentence?
Me: I’ll sleep when I’m dead.
[Dies]
Grim Reaper: I’m going to need you to journey with me to the afterlife.
Me: Dammit
Don’t be silly! A kid’s name doesn’t affect the type of person they become. Now come and hold my sweet baby Lucifer Charles Manson Hitler.
The kids left w/my parents for a week. I plan to run around the house for an hour yelling “woo hoo”, but after that my schedule is wide open
[on first date]
I’ll have an iced tea, please.
Waiter: Sure. Ummm…anything for the balloon with a woman’s face drawn on it?
Her: Is breakfast almost ready?
Me: Yeah, I just have to drain the sausage.
Her: Can’t we please wait till after breakfast for that?
Cutest thing I saw was the dad angrily slamming the sliding door of his minivan but it slowed down by itself and latched silently and then it was just kind of sad.
I toured a defense contractor executive’s home
here we see Penny the diving kitty mid-triple pike, let’s see if she lands this one Steve
[reading my journal] me: damn what a psycho
Me- Can I borrow a screwdriver? Neighbor- Phillips or regular? Me- Grey Goose and Tropicana
*ironically creates weapon from olive branch*
I’m not saying it was a bad idea to let our 4yo color with markers, but now it looks like our kitchen table was pooped on by a diarrheal unicorn binge-eating fruit loops
Me: *sneaking to the kitchen for a late night snack*
Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE
Logically the best time to kick someone is when they are down
“Oh my god I can’t believe someone would pronounce my name exactly how it’s spelled!!!”
– people with stupid names
i don’t let my toddler use an ipad but she does get to drive when i’m hungover
Guys will say literally anything to get laid like “you’re beautiful” or “you can have my last donut”, shit like that
The “you’ve hit the maximum limit for direct messages in a single day” pop-up alert — but for work emails.
Hot singles in your area!
They don’t want to talk to you. But they’re there.
If you ever see me ironing and smiling, know that I have been body snatched like one of those Stepford wives.