There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But there’s also kids with machine guns so I’m not going.
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my mom treats her air pods like they’re disposable. buys a few a month. she says they would be easier to not lose if they had….a cord
The cool thing about driving 15 mph in a school zone is that it makes it so much easier to text.
[preparing dinner]
Him: *making mashed potatoes* I feels like you don’t trust my cooking
Me: *also making mashed potatoes* don’t be silly
Martin Shkreli has been arrested. Bail will be set, then quickly raised to an amount he can’t possible afford.
[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Girl: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
I’m at my creepiest when I see a drunk chick crying outside of a bar and just think ‘bingo
Take me down to the paradise city where the salmon are jumping and the tubes are fishy
did it hurt? when the rat pulled on your hair to make you cook?
Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?
Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]
I’m just your average mom, trying to convince my kids that 4:45pm is indeed their bedtime, because I’ve had enough of their shit for one day
A real ice cream truck would have melted by now.
Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: yeah I do but sad news buddy, I’m married
Parkour or plastic? *bounces away with your groceries*
Save a reindeer.
Ride a Canadian.
Exorcist: I’m here to remove the demon that has possessed you
Me: I didn’t call you
Demon: I did
When a Nokia phone warns you about low battery, you have at least 1 month to find where the charger is lying in your house.
I just declined a mandatory work meeting invite. I am drunk with power.
Him: I love birds.
Me: [trying to impress]
*smacks face into nearest window*
I am cool with January lasting forever because rent is due February 1
Sending a letter to Netflix informing them that I’m currently unemployed and the “are you still watching?” question is 100% not necessary.
*aliens come to earth to steal our water*
[cut to]
*aliens running out of store with like fifteen evian bottles they didn’t pay for*
cat: psst it’s 5am time to feed me
me: no go away
cat: okay *proceeds to step directly on my bladder* oops my bad
Roses are red, violets are fine, I’ll be the 6 if you’ll be the 9.
THE 3 PEOPLE IN EVERY CHIPOTLE LINE:
– guy ordering for his whole office who takes forever
– white lady who’s never been there before and doesn’t like spicy food. ends up getting a bowl of white rice and chicken
– guy who leans over sneeze-guard and is shouty about his order
Movie Trivia: Cloverfield was just Khloe Kardashian on a shopping trip in New York
One time, I pulled my pants down to moon someone & accidentally opened the car door instead of the window & rolled down the street naked.
I always carry a jellyfish with me in case a hot girl wants me to pee on her, but she is too embarrassed to ask.
[8 AM]
Wife [walking into living room]: What time did you get up?
Me: 5 AM.
Wife: But it’s the weekend! WHY SO EARLY?!
Me [sipping coffee]: I’ve had 3 kid-free hours of silence.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: Why didn’t you wake me?
If you know someone who is effortlessly happy all the time, that’s a demon. You’re friends with a demon.