“Please be more mindful of how expressive your eyebrows can be during meetings when others are speaking” my boss to me after the great 2 truths and a lie incident of February 15, 2024.
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I have unresolved anger issues with all the pistachio nuts I ever failed to open.
Sure, my kid likes horses like she likes everything else – for five minutes
Sorry I handed you a broom when you asked for a ride.
Today, my wife said “Okily Dokily.” I know I said til death do us part, but that was before I realized I married Ned Flanders.
My kids are arguing over who gets to bring the garbage cans in, proving, once again, that kids will fight about anything.
Interviewer: what is your greatest weakness?
Me: I think people find me intimidating
Interviewer (nervously): maybe it has something to do with the-
Me: OMG, it has nothing to do with the giant hawk perched on my shoulder
Once a year I think about how when my brother and I were 10 and my sister was 3 she ran in the living room waving an empty package laughing manically at us she ate ALL the chocolate and left us none. I looked at the pack it said EX LAX.
Then I heard her stomach rumble.
I like to live on the edge by taking my kids for a haircut and then going home to show my wife what I let happen
For our anniversary last year I told my wife “thank you for 20 happy years” and she got mad because we’ve been married for 31
VICTIM: First time murdering? I have a suggestion.
ME (sharpening my gun): Go on.
[Fitbit commercial with me]
BEFORE: lazy guy
AFTER: lazy guy who had $129
Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant I tell the people coming in “I recommend the squirrel”.
Waiter: “I’m afraid your credit card has been declined.”
Me: “Try this one.”
W: “This is a blood donor card.”
M: “Take as much as you need.”
Veteran Parent Tip:
Buying a bullhorn to loudly announce from your car, “Your Uber driver has arrived!” gives you a 73% greater chance of your teens no longer making you wait when picking them up from a friend’s house
[Cop questioning suspected watermelon thief]
COP: *squints* Was it you?
GIRAFFE (who has watermelon-sized bulge halfway down his neck): Nope
I support this random dude and all his protests
Do you have FB?
No
Do you have Twitter?
No
Instagram?
No
What do you have?
A life.
…
…
Can I have it?
No. I need it to play Candy Crush.
Me to wife: “I don’t need a grocery list, it’s only three things.”
Also me: *Forgets two of the three things and comes home with a llama*
Him: The last couple of years have been tough.
Me: Tell me about it!
Him: Well, two years ago I…
Me: Don’t really, though.
black friday is crazy, I just maced a kid then some old woman shot me with a crossbow
With trump being a potential candidate I feel like the Simpsons are sitting on their couch watching an episode of us
Woman selling raffle tickets: would you like to enter a drawing?
Guy from A-Ha: i’m not doing that shit again
A marriage built on respect and trust can survive anything. Except losing twice as much weight on a diet than your wife, apparently.
Still disappointed that a goblet is just a cup and not a miniature goblin.
Went to praise an animal, got stuck between saying “good girl” and “good dog”, and just quietly muttered “good god” at a spaniel
When someone really pisses you off and you know you can’t physically do anything.
Just look at them through a fork and pretend you put them in jail.
I never realized how many “favorite” coffee mugs I had until other people tried to use them.
Two words from the historical lexicon:
boondoggle: an entirely unnecessary or futile undertaking.
hornswoggle: to bamboozle or deceive.
A hornswoggling boondoggle has a nice ring to it.
calf- calves
half – halves
self – selves
wolf – wolves
golf – golves
11 showed me his bookmark which was an old photo of me and his dad and he said, “It’s a memory of before I was born when you and Father were happy together.”
Then he said he was tired of reading and asked if he could buy some game extras on Fortnite and holy crap he’s a genius.