You can’t change your past but you can change your pasta.
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Me: New rule, if you leave the dinner table without saying “Excuse me,” we will assume you’re done and I will eat the remaining fries right off your plate.
9yo: should we tell 5yo once she gets back to the table?
Me: (speaking through a mouthful of 5yo’s fries) nah
roses are red / violets are blue
who let the dogs out / who who who who
Remember when Tarantino released that movie and there wasn’t a single dog or reservoir and we all just accepted it
Apologies about the delay to the 16:10 to Alicante. We’re just waiting for one 3D printed part, but apparently a ‘fuselage’ takes a little time.
No member of any family has the same interpretation of the sentence “We need to leave in ten minutes.”
my 4yo sniffs out medicine in the popsicles, milkshakes and pudding we give him so quickly he has a promising career as a narcotics dog
I’m working on my second million, since I failed so much at the first.
Boss: *swivelling in his chair to greet me as I enter his office* I have a job for you
Me: *sighing* again?
Boss: again
Me: *spins his chair*
Boss: weeeeeeeeeeeeeee
Grandma baked a cake for the team but her use of punctuation made it sound sarcastic
I just inhaled a bug. Please excuse me while I light my entire head on fire.
Keeping a very sharp knife next to my bed in case a burglar breaks in and wants sashimi
my mom said she fed the cutest black and white squirrel today. my sister checked the ring camera, it was a literal skunk
Netflix: Should I play this movie?
Me: No no I’m just looking at it for a second
Netflix: I’ll put it on
Me: I’m just literally reading what it is
Netflix: It’s playing 🙂
If your kids aren’t drinking enough water, tell them it’s bedtime.
Katy Perry is such an inspiration to all those young girls out there who want to grow up and ride giant golden tigers.
Got thrown out of another poetry reading for shouting “oooh naughty” every time someone used a metaphor for sex
astronauts be acting like they’re so cool, as if we didn’t know at least 60 dogs and monkeys went to space before them
*watches wife take out ice cream
*watches wife scoop ice cream into bowl
*watches wife eat ice cream
Me: SO WHATCHA DOIN’
Every time I talk to a fancy journalist and they ask what I do in my free time my scumbag brain goes “say masturbate, it’ll be hilarious”
accidentally signed off an important email with “all the vest”
@MissNaughty1801 @funTweeters I love my boys eldest is getmeabeer youngest is whatthefuck
Tonight I yelled, “YOU ARE NOT A ZOMBIE. YOU ARE DOING HOMEWORK,” so everything’s pretty normal here.
Before marriage: Kisses
After marriage: Hisses
oh you like architecture? name three walls
“I’m gonna find whoever stole the wheels off my car”, I said tirelessly
My 2-year-old asking for her stuffed lamb while having a snack…
Daughter: “Where’s Lamby?”
Me: “In the crib.”
Daughter: “Go get him.”
Me: “Can you say please?”
Daughter: “I can’t say please with food in my mouth.”
I wish more things required an email from the WGA before we accepted them as true. Like, “Sorry but, until we hear otherwise from the WGA, it’s still the weekend. We don’t even know for sure Mondays are real.”
ME AT A PARTY: oh we’ve met? i’m sorry i’m bad with faces
ME WATCHING A MOVIE: ok that guy in the background is character actor james rebhorn who was in meet the parents, independence day, the talented mr ri