Bruce Willis should host a baking competition called Pie Hard.
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If you need a laugh.. 😅
A remake of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, but it’s targeted towards adults and takes place in a cheese factory
Mirror mirror on the floor, who’s the worst at home decor?
[At the store]
Me: Where are your masks?
Kids: We didn’t bring them.
Me: Why not.
Kids: Because you didn’t tell us like mom would.
I like my women like I like my wemoweh a wemoweh a wemoweh a wemoweh IN THE JUNGLE THE MIGHTY JUNGLE THE LION SLEEPS TONIIIIIIIIGHT
Don’t know whether to be disturbed or enchanted that the word sesquipedalian is onomatopoetic
Every person you come across in life has their own story, so be careful or they’ll start telling it to you
I’m guessing the person who decided how to spell “queue” and “okay” got paid by the letter.
Camping? Like sleeping with my bedroom window open?
Wearing a mask had been helpful as I’ve forgotten where I packed my nose hair trimmer.
[date]
Me: ‘Don’t let her know ur a boxing ring announcer…’
Her: “Shall we order dessert?”
Me: “LET’S GET READY TO EAT APPLE CRUUUUMBLE!”
Her: I thought you said you were ordering spicy food.
Me, choking on 14 churros: CINNAMON’S A SPICE
So afraid of commitment I only play “Words With Acquaintances”.
Romeo: I lost my cow
Juliet: wherefore art cow Romeo?
I hope my enemies are walking around in wet socks.
when you came back from the bathroom and your younger sibling had taken your spot on the couch
Alexa, put me to sleep
“soon you will sleep with the fishes. In the meantime, here are ocean sounds”
Quit smoking.
Quit playing loud music.
Quit trying to makeout with me while I’m driving.– things my BF and Uber driver say to me
I be like “I gotta drink more water” then take one little sippy sip and then give the rest to my house plants
If you get really mad, stop and count to five. Then punch them as hard as you can. The five second delay will surprise them.
“HEY ATHLETES WITHOUT MONEY FOR TRAINING FACILITIES OR PROPER UNIFORMS, Y U NO WIN GOLD MEDALS?” – Indians
Me: What you gotta buy from Target?
Her: Target will tell me when I get there
People without kids who give other people’s kids messy or annoying toys..
Imagine that we gave you a monkey with a kazoo and fingerpaints..
My uncle married a woman from Tokyo and they just had a daughter.
She’s my Japaniece..
Me: your shoes are on the wrong feet
4yo:
Me: …….
4yo:………
Me :
4yo : but I don’t have any other feet
Me : fair enough –__–
Those 11 British actors I watch on every single show must be so tired.
This idiot from Apple reckons that the “Temperature, iPhone needs to cool down” warning message has nothing to do with all my hot selfies
The 9:50 from Paris has been diverted. Nothing to do with the weather, we just don’t like the French.
The CDC says it’s a small boulder the size of a large boulder.
15000 CCTVs 2b installed in Delhi 4r Obama’s visit.
This is ridiculous. Just because he’s black doesnt mean he’ll steal anything. Racists!