I need a pain relieving patch that covers my whole body
You Might Also Like
[my gf actually turns into a worm]
me: oh my god. it’s ok, i’ll still go out with you
my worm gf: [sees a cool worm wearing a leather jacket] i think we should see other people
They were tryna put dude out the bar last night for dressing like Jeffery dahmer, but come to find out bruh just looked like that
Some killjoy: ‘Stop playing with your food!’
*Me and my ham sandwich get down from the seesaw*
When I was just little boy I asked my mother, what will I be? Will I be pretty? Will I be rich? And here’s what she said to me…
Maybe there is a secret third thing
*performs perfect sleeper hold and drags another mailman into the garage*
…they just keep sending more…
You would think my neighbors would appreciate me petting their dogs every day.
But nooooo, they’re too worried about how I keep getting into their house.
Today is the day I go back to the gym.
Tomorrow is when I stop telling lies.
Don’t know if my mother-in-law is talking about a Netflix show she likes or a family member she hates and she’s so deep into the story I don’t think she knows either.
My seven year old just said, “I kinda want to experience being a dad but I kinda don’t want to get married” Should I ask him more questions.
“This is from the both of us”
– my parents giving me mental illness
Trainer: “ok, lets warm up 1st….wait, where are you going!?”
Me: “tanning bed”
Had a guy ask me if I would wear a nurse outfit when I saw him. I said flirtatiously “Oh you need me to check something for you?”.
He said “No I just like to roleplay having access to healthcare.”
Me: [when I like someone on Twitter] you’re a wonderful human being and I love you
Me: [when I like someone in real life] *velociraptor noises*
Happy Birthday to me. 27 years old… in Spice Girl years.
I just watched a video about a 9-year-old kid who recently graduated high school and wants to become an astrophysicist. I had to Google “How do you spell astrophysicist?”
People: cheer up, things could be worse
Anxiety: and here are some detailed scenarios how
Should my wife be taking this long to finish the corn maze she entered on Halloween?
Reflexes of a cat, coordination of a drunken cricket
ME: all the King’s horses and men couldn’t put u back together
HUMPTY DUMPTY: what now
M: [opening package of bacon] I’ll think of something
This forest scent air freshener is really working. Three elk have moved into my living room.
My husband is lecturing me on cyber security which is hilarious coming from someone who has imslimshady1234 as his password.
Shah Jahan built the Taj Mahal as a tribute to his wife but sure, the book shelf looks great.
The enemy of my enemy is my friend unless they don’t dance and if they don’t dance well they’re no friend of mine.
What doesn’t kill you is still… going to kill you. Just slowly.
Me, on my 9th plate of nachos: So you’re telling me I have time
Doctor: I think I should refer you to a specialist.
Every car wash comes with a free shower if you get out of your vehicle naked.
[Observation Ward]
Me: *thinking aloud* Santa Monica implies the existence of Santa Chandler, Santa Ross-
Doctor 1: Take his phone
Doctor 2: I did that three hours ago
Doctor 1: Ugh… give it back maybe?
GEORGE WASHINGTON: We should put “We Trust In God” on our money
THOMAS JEFFERSON: Great idea. Did you get that?
YODA (taking notes): Yep
Thoughts and prayers to my daughter who wrote a sentence that didn’t fit on one line.
Sheryl Crow: This ain’t no disco. This ain’t no country club either.
Sheryl Crow – The world’s worst archaeologist.