The first 70 years after high school are always the hardest.
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Loan officer: And what is the purpose of your loan, Sir?
Me: Whole Foods. I shop at Whole Foods.
Cats don’t come with instructions, so how is anyone supposed to know you can’t put them in the washing machine.
Female villains are largely glamorous, confident, articulate, and have a lot of resources at their disposal. I’m searching for the downside.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘effusive’
“E-F-F-U-S-I-V-E”
That is correct. What was your name?
“It’s Siv”
I know lmao [hi5s other judge]
god: *invents hammerhead shark*
nailhead shark: oh no
I have a lot of unemployment jokes…
None of them work.
never staying in an air bnb again. this couple from colorado is taking me to small claims court because i accidentally opened a portal to hell in their basement
I am good with a paring knife. I like the weight of it in my hand. Sorry, go on, finish your story.
Not to be rude but I think some of you think your dog is your best friend and your dog thinks you’re top 5 at most
Annoying coworker: “I just had a near death experience!”
Me: “Awww. Keep trying. You’ll get it next time, bud!”
Used to think my house was pretty nice until I starting watching HGTV. Now I just walk around depressed about my lack of sliding barn doors & wondering if I can knock down a wall & discover pristine hardwood floors under my carpet…all before I host book club at 6:00pm tomorrow.
My mom took a picture of me in 1983 using a camera with a flashcube and the light in my eyes just stopped flashing.
If you use karate instead of a knife your wife won’t ask you to cut the vegetables anymore
“It’s not a competition” you say as you lose the secret competition.
[jungle]
Detective: I’d like to ask you some questions about a recent jewel heist.
Ring-tailed lemur: This is profiling.
Everyone’s a gangster until you have to chase a plastic bag that the wind took.
Me: Well, this calls for a celebration *cracks open beer*
Wife: …you took out the trash
I wanted a 6 pack, so I started Hip Hop abs.
Quit 1/3 of the way through.
Ended up with a 2Pac.
HEY TWITTER IF I WANTED 10,000 CHARACTERS THAT I WASN’T INTERESTED IN I WOULD START WATCHING GAME OF THRONES
What do you do when you’re soul searching and can’t find one?
me: wanna do something fun?
her: already have plans
me: *watching her wax her legs and pluck her eyebrows* our idea of fun is very different
DARTH VADER: I am your father
LUKE: Buy me some jeans then
DV: *reluctantly hands over money* …You better actually buy jeans with this
How can I get invited to one of these knife fights everyone keeps talking about? Can we do it over zoom
Me [being murdered in my home]:
“Can you take your shoes off?”
I saw the best minds of my generation rattling in pickle jars in formaldehyde as the cops beat down the door into my basement.
H: Are you a beer drinker or a wine drinker?
Me: … … … Yes.
I hate when I make a joke and everyone says, “Too soon.”
I’m sorry, if I wait any longer the funeral will be over.
[Job Interview]
Boss: What’s your biggest wea-
Me: Interrupting people.
Most adults have thirty-two teeth but you can have as many as you like if your pockets are big enough
Octopus – 8 arms
“Yes”
Octagon – 8 sides
“Yes”
Octuplets – 8 babies
“Yes”
October – 8th month
“No”
I’m burning this world down