There are three types of people:
1. Annoying people
2. Annoying people I am sleeping with
3. People I haven’t met
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Sure, sex is great but have you ever had to pee really bad and managed to reach the washroom just in the nick of time?
Whole ‘nother level!
HULK WANT LOAN
Bank: We can’t loan to people like you.
GREEN PEOPLE??
*flips table into moon*Bank: People owing 2.6B in property damage.
Pro tip for picking up girls – keep your back straight and lift with your knees.
Welcome to Mixed Metaphor Day: it ain’t rocket surgery guys
carnivorous animals (thinking): i’m hungry… i could really go for something smaller than me. an animal which is smaller than me would hit rn…
estão todos miauvindo?
we’ve tasted blood now. celebrities must fight to the death for the oscars from now on
[drive thru]
GUY ON INTERCOM: can I help you
ME: yeah are you guys open
Small ad: Discreet chicken road-crossing service. No questions asked.
During a public forum, an audience member angrily called me a “stupid ***hole” and immediately others defended me yelling in response, “He’s not stupid!”
I feel so bad for my cat, he’s sitting by the door crying out for this cat and her baby (that are on the opposite side) The same cat I caught him with the night he snuck out, but sweetheart you have been neutered for a year+ she is lying, that is not your baby
GOD: you breathe water so you’ll be in the ocean
SHARK: nice
GOD: you breathe air so you’ll be on land
HORSE: cool
GOD: you’re huge and have fins, you’ll have to be in the ocean
BLUE WHALE: ok and I breathe water, yeah?
GOD: um
BLUE WHALE: um what?
Shhhhh! I can’t hear about how God spoke to you! I’m busy listening to my toaster tell me about his day.
This guy next to me thinks I’m flirting, but really I’m just trying to see where he parks so I can steal his gas
Drumpf’s presidential campaign in reverse: an increasingly laughable story of an egomaniac running for an office he couldn’t possibly win
[During sex]
Her: That fan of yours is loud and distracting
Me: It helps me in bed
Fan: *clapping approvingly* Yeah bro WORK THOSE HIPS
[Job interview]
“Under “skills” you have odd compliments.”
“You look like you’d have soft bones.
“Thank you?”
Why are all the young female protagonists named Cassie or Lexi or Sammie? I’m going to write a book about an adorkable heroine and call her Bertha.
the worst part of homeschooling is when my kid shoves me into a locker in front of all the cheerleaders
What about “BusinessMyspace”? Nah, it’s taken. Okay, what about “LinkedIn”?
What…what happens if the crabs learn how to read???
Me: You are pretty.
She: Thanks.Me: I wish there was something between us.
She: Me too.Me: Really?? Like what??
She: A wall.
*rolls over to your desk on chair*
So what was in that browser you just quickly minimised?
Me: *deals cards* okay boys what’ll it be
Quarterback: i pass
Roofer: i raise
Telemarketer: i call
Optometrist: i see
Origami Artist: i fold
“I can’t, too busy”:
– no one believes you
– tired
– allows for future invitations“I can’t. Not since the accident”
– mysterious
– fresh
– prevents future invitations
*kicks door down*
*realizes its the wrong house*
*leaves*
*comes back with tool bag*
*fixes door*
*apologizes*
[first date]
her: do u like cats or dogs better
me: [looking at menu] what page are u on
My aunt unfriended me on Facebook so I can guarantee you that I will bring it up and ruin Thanksgiving this year.
Christmas movie innkeepers play fast and loose with their unattended candles.
Since I started making yachts in my shed, sails have gone through the roof