There are two good reasons never to drink water from the toilet. No 1 and No 2s!
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Boss: My door is always open
Me: I know and it makes it really hard for me to leave work early
Our “safe place” during a tornado is a bathroom in the center of our house.
Kids in the tub, me sitting on the toilet, my husband and my ex-husband who had stopped by just before the tornado, all crammed into this tiny space.
Ex-husband: I really hope this isn’t the way I go.
You can be 30+ years old with children of your own and your parents will tell you not to eat too much ice cream because you threw up once when you were 8
Allow me to slip into something more out the window.
That tattoo of wings on your back are good. But wings that small could hardly get you off the ground though. *reveals full body wing tattoo*
Dog: Dude, I’m your best friend.
Me: You shit on the carpet today.
Dog: *sighs* Look around you, Fitz. I’m still your best friend.
“I have a date with destiny”
Yeah well, I’m in a long term relationship with the consequences of my actions
I’d like to thank whomever told my mom that WTF means “wow that’s fantastic.” Her texts are so much more fun now.
me: *cracks knuckles*
bully: let’s do this
me: i would but i’ve just broken my hand
If someone finds a long red hair in the meal I’ve prepared, I yell “YOU WIN” and toss them a piece of candy.
Liquidity is the only difference between soup, stew and a casserole. There, I said it.
Oh no, we don’t go in there. That room belongs to the spiders.
If I’ve ever had a crush on you, it means I’ve daydreamed about our first fight, our wedding, named our future dog, and retained a divorce lawyer.
Worst day ever. Accidentally touched a Magic Eraser and now I’m a muggle.
Piracy is killing the music industry. You just try playing the guitar with a hook and a patch over your eye.
As I was being put under for my colonoscopy, I apparently announced to the room, “Y’all are in for a real treat” and then passed out. 😭😭😭
Her: [eating lettuce for dinner] so yeah, with those 3 small changes, I lost 4% body fat.
Me: [eating a beer for dinner] fight me
JUDGE: I hereby sentence you t-
PENGUIN COURT REPORTER: *angrily smashing keyboard with flippers* CAN YOU GUYS SLOW DOWN A BIT
Are you supposed to wear the fanny pack over the gut or underneath it? I don’t want to look like a dork.
I’m actually kind of handsome when you’re drunk and the light is low and there’s no other dudes around and you have low standards.
Dentist: Don’t eat or drink for…
Me: *already eating a snack before she finishes her sentence*
People often wonder if Tom and Jerry were enemies offscreen, as well. According to Tom, “sort of.”
“Are you talking back to me?” “Mom, that’s how a conversation works.”
BARBER: what’ll it be
ME: can u make me feel extremeley self-conscious for 45 minutes
BARBER: u got it
Sad to think that the Grandma from the Nutty Professor is probably dead by now.
Libra: Many good things are in store for you! Unfortunately, the store is closed for repairs.
dont freak out but everything is made of chemicals
Instead of Wordle, I call it Word Without Friends.
Me: You’re kidnapping me? Where’re we going? Can we feed my cats first? Is there a ransom? Cool van. My name-
Him: Changed my mind. Get out.