There are two kinds of people in this world, people that know things and people who don’t know how to use Google.
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“Dude, do you NOT know what a collar on the doorknob means?”
If you rarely drive on snow, just pretend you’re taking your grandma to church. There’s a platter of biscuits and 2 gallons of sweet tea in glass jars in the back seat. She’s wearing a new dress and holding a crock pot full of gravy.
The only recipes they have online are where I’m the one who’s supposed to buy all this stuff and then make it. That’s not what I’m looking for
In Jurassic Park, the scene where the raptor opens the door to the kitchen and stalks the kids, Spielberg had originally wanted to have the dinosaur bake a tray of Macarons as a display of its intelligence, but writer Michael Crichton insisted that it would be “too much”.
Imagine the headless horsemen only its me running into everything waving my arms while trying to get my head through my sweater before bed.
COVID-19 helping people realise that some meetings can be emails.
the #horror is real!
Girl, are you a glass of water because I think you’re about to throw yourself at me.
Preemptively looking in the fridge to see if my wife might need anything from the store in order to decide if I’m going to let her know that I’m going to the store or just sneak out.
I Knew Better, But I Did It Anyway: A Memoir
[At McDonald’s]
Me: Is the ice cream machine working?
Employee: Yes.
Me: Great! I’ll have a…
Employee: APRIL FOOLS!!!!!
Him: Your hands are as soft as a turtle’s armpit!
Me: We have to breakup.
[Commercial for Legos]
Have you ever cursed in front of your kids? Want to?
SECURITY GUARD: Sir, you can’t be here.
ME: But I AM here.
SECURITY: I understand that, but you can’t be in this area.
ME: I think I have definitely shown that is not true.
I normally have a decent sense of direction but when I leave the exam room at a doctor’s office and have to find my way to the exit I’m suddenly Harry Potter in the Hedge Maze
[me as a knight]
Me: squire, young squire…do you have the time?
Squire: sir by the judge of the sun, it is 3pm
Me: wrong squire, it is (shutting visor) knight time
BARTENDER: what can i get you
MOTH: gimme a bug light
I’m pretty disappointed that an unknown Uncle hasn’t left me a haunted mansion and millions of dollars by now.
[inventing colonization]
britain: i wish the whole world was this miserable
This is going to be my year.
WebMD: paranoid schizophrenia
I wonder if Barbers got into the business to just sweep hair
I don’t understand why the pediatrician runs hearing tests, all you have to do is open a tub of ice cream 2 floors away in the middle of the night and you can tell if your kid can hear
I am extremely flexible & can lift my legs up while balancing in strange positions
Ooh yeah fellas, I can flush a public toilet w/out hands
I dated Spider-Man for a while but my folks hated him. Dad was thoroughly disgusted by his onesie and neat freak Mom kept following him around with a broom.
I would run in my flip flops, but I don’t want you to fall in love with me.
stand with me against insufficient seating
Today someone asked me, how much you weigh….
So I told her one hundred and sexy!#curvyissexy
I don’t think mall Santas should be allowed to have fake beards. Like come on Man, you’ve got one job!
Mad Max: Furry Road
“If anyone knows a reason why these two should not marry, speak n-”
SHE ONCE COMMENTED ‘FIRST’ ON A YOUTUBE VIDEO
*ring bearer vomits*