Me:
How’s that chicken babe, too spicy?12:
Its not really spicy..Except on the way out
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And on the 8th day, God almost created Lionel Richie but was all like “Naw, I’ll just hold off a few thousand years then one day HELLO!”
[on a speed date]
(okay don’t let her know you’re a zombie)
“so, what do you like best in a woman?”
BRAAAIIINNNSS
Being grown up is simply knowing that body wash is different from hand soap but the same as bar soap but shampoo is different from body wash and bar soap is not for your hair and we don’t put body wash or shampoo next to the sink or hand soap in the shower
I’d prob date Pete Davidson too if Instagram showed me a targeted ad for him more than 3x
Me: *gets on scale*
5yo: Whoa! That’s a lot of points!
Apparently the maximum number of times you can keep getting back in line for Communion wafers is 4.
In 8th grade I had to take care of an egg to teach me responsibility. That egg hatched, and I raised the chicken as my own. He was delicious
George Washington only said “I cannot tell a lie” because he never had to fill out a kid’s reading log.
Ok team, today we’re …..oh
“Is my wife asleep or dead?”
It’s a game I play by picking up her phone.
[babysitting]
Me: *Grabs cigarette* Gotta light?
Kid: I’m only six.
Me: Oh, I thought you were seven. My bad.
Dropped the ice cube tray. Made a mess at first, but now it’s just water under the fridge.
I think carefully about what I’m going to say and I still manage to say the wrong thing. It’s truly a gift I have.
Remember kids, don’t light your own fireworks. Have the adults who have been drinking all damn day do it.
Of course bears shit in the woods, they do most of their stuff in the woods, very few bears own a house.
PeeWee’s Playhouse gave me very unrealistic expectations of how much fun I would have with my furniture
Me: Who cares what astrological sign you are? Phhht, that stuff is so silly.
Also me: I’m logical and scientifically minded because I’m an INTJ…
Weird…the ChatGPT warnings are the same ones I have on my hinge profile…
I keep a tiny vial of gluten in my pocket in case I ever need to smash it on the ground to make a getaway from a large group of hipsters
Me: Everyone! We’re having a baby!!
Them: What is it?
Me: I literally. Just. Said.
Whenever I test drive a car and the Salesman decides to come along, I lock the doors lock eyes and say “We ride together, we Die together.”
A woman at work told me I look younger with my glasses off. I told her she looked younger with my glasses off, too.
When I die, I’m going out the same way I came in. By accident.
Me: You can’t fire me!
My circus boss: Just get in the cannon
When a couple pause their relationship & take a break from each other it’s called an ihatus.
Sometimes I’ll be staring at my phone for a few minutes and be like “what was it I was doing” then I’ll be like “oh yeah I’m driving a car”
You’re so strain. You probably think this song is about flu.
summer: wait its midnight alredy?? the sun hasn’t even set yet!! lol
winter: HOW. HOW IS IT NOT EVEN 8PM. THE SUN SET LIKE 5 DAYS AGO
Mad that so many renaissance artists were named after ninja turtles
Dr. House would’ve solved this covid shit in 20 minutes flat.