[brain surgery]
SURGEON (secretly a zombie): fork
ASSISTANT:
SURGEON: …over that scalpel
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If our children don’t learn cursive, how will they ever be able to read those inspirational tattoos people put on their ribs?
son: hey dad
me: [picks up phone, dials 9] yes
son: now don’t get mad
me: [dials 1] ok
son: do we have a fire extinguisher
me: [dials 1]
Me: asks my oldest son to do anything at all
Him: plays dead
Hey, so I was working on an Excel spreadsheet and hit an unfamiliar function button and, long story short, now I am trapped inside it and all these numbers are mad at me
I accidentally threw garbage in the mall Public Library return bin with a large “Not Garbage” sign and before I had time to feel bad, my boyfriend yelled
AHA SUCK IT, NERDS!
and that’s how he gets the bestest sex.
1: Acquire scuba gear. 2: Strap duck decoy to head. 3: Dive in local pond. 4: Enjoy unlimited free bread crumbs.
DOG DRIVING INSTRUCTOR: Please assume the correct position for operating a vehicle.
DOG STUDENT: *sticks head out window*
DDI: Excellent.
[first day as a doctor]
me: we need to amputate your son’s leg
mother: i want a second opinion!
me: the star wars prequels were pretty good actually
mother: no, another doctor
another doctor: attack of the clones is my favourite
Advice tip for people: 1 stick hand in glue 2 stick hand in feather 3 now you are like bird. Impress your friend.
Sure, intimacy is great and all, but have you ever slept diagonally on a king size bed.
exclusively asking for swords for Christmas and if I get even one everyone who didn’t get me one better watch out
In Mexico, it’s considered bad luck to be decapitated by a helicopter
“No YOU’RE a nerd” I say, as I finish carving my cheddar cheese Millennium Falcon
Maybe Tailgate wants to be banged. Did you ask? You don’t know.
Eve: I’m hungry
Adam: wHy dOnT yOu hAvE aN aPpLe
Eve: not this again
this has done me in for some reason
Kevin Hart 🤣🤣🤣
In Seattle, there’s a code that states when two people are walking towards each other, the one with the bigger coffee cup passes first.
Sitting in my backyard is just yelling over the fence at the neighbor kids letting them know my son isn’t home yet.
When people’s driving tweets end mid sentence, did the paramedics find their phone and hit send?
I wonder what went down that day to make them put *NO heavy petting* signs up at the public swimming pool
[at my funeral]
ventriloquist: please don’t judge me, he paid me a lot of money to do this
me: hi everybody!
[during sex]
gf: this is so hot, seth!seth macfarlane: shut up, I’ll do all the voices!
gf:
seth [feminine voice]: this is so hot, seth!
Go to tattoo shop to get both legs fully covered. Before he touches me w that needle, I run off yelling ‘thanks for the free shave loser!’
I like to stop drinking somewhere between “watch this” and “ohhhhhh shit”.
Just when you think you’re raising a normal child, one day you look at your 10 y/o and she’s biting into the middle of the taco first.
I can’t wait to find out who’s playing Donald Trump in the next season of American Horror Story
I only accept chocolate chip cookie bribes, THE SOFT ONES CHRISTY, NOT THE GARBAGE YOU GAVE ME.
EXPLORER 1: *looking at ancient symbols in pyramid* It says “Here lies updog”
EXPLORER 2: What’s updog?
EGYPTIAN SPIRITS: Lol