[at the bar]
Her: My break up has been so hard…nothing could possibly hurt as much as this!
Sticks A Knife In People Steve: Lol
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Remember kids, every weekend can be a three day weekend if you’re still too drunk from Thursday! 🍻
Before you marry someone, try decorating a Christmas tree together.
“I can’t believe you string lights like that, Brad. I’m out.”
I forgot my earphones this morning and for a moment I thought wouldn’t it be great if my audio book had subtitles
Still being single at the age of 32 just means I statistically avoided my first divorce.
My mother’s maiden name is Password.
Has someone told the whales that they can’t sing for shit?
Gonna start passive aggressively sending herbal teas. Oh yes, I thought you’d enjoy it it’s for brain fog.
Not to brag, but I can play a little guitar. Not a regular-sized one though.
“I need a synonym for equivalence.”
“Synonym.”
“Yes a synonym.”
“Synonym is the word.”
“It is and I need one for equivalence.”
“It’s synonym.”
“I think that’s how I’m pronouncing it.”
“THE WORD IS SYNONYM.”
“Whatever, now will you give me one for equivalence.”
the warning on my razor says “for external use only” and now I have questions
[in conference room]
Coworker: What time is it?
Me: Time to get a watch, Carl *moonwalks out of room*
[During sex]
Me: I know you want me to be “naughty”, but I can barely breathe in this Hamburglar costume.
Stop making mini snacks, people. Never have I been like, “wow this is a delicious cupcake. If only it were 1/4 of the size.”
Fights fire with marshmallows
Just punched myself in the face trying to swat away a mosquito. Think I’m officially done with summer. Proceed with the pumpkin spice shit.
[Pastabot 2000 attempts to hand me another bowl of pasta] Jesus christ not now Pastabot
Sasquatch is just a regular quatch who tells it like it is.
[March 15]
Brutus: Going 2 the senate?
Caesar: yeah u?
Brutus: yep it’ll be killer
Caesar: how so?
Brutus: like cool u know rad senate stuff
judge: my god
divorce lawyer whispers to my wife: we got him
Me: what should I do?
Dentist: stop eating sugar, drinking coffee and wine, cut back on stress..
Me: right but like realistically
Today is the one day I don’t get weird looks from people for carrying around my pillow case full of chocolates.
The problem with Quotes on #Twitter is that… it is so difficult to tell if they are Genuine – William Shakespeare
When will I learn that smoking as much as possible before I go to the airport won’t keep me high for my entire flight it’ll just make going through security Terrifying
Not to be dramatic, but learning how to read has ruined my life
WIFE: why is the dog wearing a tux?
ME: u said to groom him
WIFE: i meant brush
ME: oh…sorry buddy, wedding’s off
DOG: this is bullshit
ME: someone stole my credit card number
BANK: why would they spend $187 at a hot dog stand?
ME: [hangs head in shame] that wasn’t them
I can’t deal with men any longer
10: Mom, I need to tell you a secret. Dad thought he was eating white chocolate, but it was a piece of your vanilla scented candle and he liked it. Don’t tell anyone, ok?
Me: Oh, don’t worry…
Friend: Let’s get a table outside
Me: How about we get an inside table but the waiter turns the heat way up, dumps tiny bugs in our food and shines a super bright flashlight in our eyes?
Dear Couples Who Fight In Public, stop trying to whisper and would it kill you to include some backstory.