Let’s begin by pushing a Nickleback album onto every ISIS phone.
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My shoes have cute flowers on them so of course I’m looking at those instead of watching where I’m going
Me: The car battery is flat
Her: Have you tried the AA?
Me: No, it has to be a car battery
Just finished my taxes and it looks like I’ll be able to afford that vacation to the Outback…steakhouse that is.
“You are what you eat” I whisper to myself as I pour my dead dog’s ashes into my cat’s food bowl
I just explained the concept of a nail gun to my 4 year old and honestly he’s never been this interested in anything I’ve had to say.
The first snow has arrived and now we will see how many don’t know how to drive
Cop:” So you confess to striking the victim with I must say, rather impressive moves.”
Me: “Mr Miyagi is my Sensai.”
Cop:”It is still considered assault though.”
Me:”It was self-defense, Sir!”
Mr Miyagi: “Anna San, they were smacking their lips and slurping on their salad.”
I love this time of year because I can leave my husband at home with the kids & say I’m going Christmas shopping when really I’m just out driving around in my car to get some peace & quiet.
Not my fault if the kids give up too soon
Me: The unstoppable march of time is what I fear most. Each year feels shorter than the last, and in no time at all I will be an old man on my deathbed, full of regret and impotent pleas for mercy.
Also me: wtf you mean it’s only Wednesday
[on Ferris wheel]
ME: This is going great.
MY DATE: This is so weird.
UBER DRIVER: Let’s get cotton candy next.
Who the hell named it a ” Crop-Top ” and not a ” T-short “?
Do yourself a favour: get a dog. Before I got a dog I was ridiculed for walking around with a bag of shit
Me to barking dog: You get away from that window. Leave the poor bunny rabbit alone.
Also me: I bought you a bunny squeak toy you can pretend to kill over and over.
Cashier: your total comes to $59
Guy who forgets which numbers are funny: heheh nice
Hey man, best wishes. And I’m not just saying that because I’d be the number one suspect if something happened to you.
911! I just murdered a bunch of people
911: omg on purpose?
Hang on lemme ask,
did I murder anyone by mistake?..
No one is answering, So..
Why did the belt get arrested?
He held up pants.Please don’t block me.
vader: i am your father!
luke: so you’re the deadbeat who left us for cigarettes
vader: search your feelin- wait, what? cigarettes?
luke: don’t deny it. now you wear that dumb mask and talk like a robot because you smoked so much
vader: i swear, i nev-
luke: you make me sick
My mom just told me she’s been watching that “Game of Thongs” show.
Gawd I hope she’s just saying it wrong.
*how fights start*
me (doing crossword): what’s a 7 letter word for evident
him: it’s obvious
me: if it was that obvious, I wouldn’t be asking would I
I can count the number of times I’ve made my own fireworks on one hand. In fact, I have to.
*learns about complementary colors*
in my head:
red: that shirt looks so nice on you!
green: thanks! your shoes are perfect!
blue: screw you guys
netflix: are you still watching
me: no
netflix: then can i watch what i want now
Math problem:
Q: John has 32 candy bars. He eats 28. What does he have now?
A: Diabetes. John has diabetes.
Me: Do you like the new ceiling fan?
Her: Yeah, but the fan light is really dull.
Fan light: Ok wow like I’m right here
ME: i honestly only had one drink
WIFE: i don’t believe a word you just said
ME: no, i swear *pulls out dictionary* they’re all real
“How are you single?”
you about to find out, just hang tight lmaoo
Knuckle tats:
(M)(Y)(P)(A)(R)(E)(N)(T)(S)
(W)(E)(R)(E)(R)(E)(L)(A)(T)(E)(D)