There aren’t enough love songs about the moment you see your luggage appear at baggage claim.
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So we’ve been saving this hour for four months and we’re going to squander it all in one night?
I tell ya, government spending is out of control.
I USED MY WIFE’S VOLUMIZING SHAMPOO AND NOW I CAN’T STOP YELLING!
Jenga, but it’s just me, pulling salad out of my sandwich.
Her: “How is it possible for anyone to be an idiot all the freakin time!” Me: “I know, I’m completely exhausted.”
I eat my Chinese food just like any other American, with chopsticks, one grain of rice at a time.
A man offered to help me put my groceries in the car & I was all like, “Nice try, Ted Bundy.”
[first day as a private investigator]
Boss: you’re late
Me: I couldn’t find the building
I waitress because if I don’t get screamed at twice a day about condiments, I don’t feel like I have put in an honest days work.
me: the most exercise I get is from sex
friend: but you’re so out of shape
When a sales clerk asks if you need help with anything, this does not include kids.
I know this now.
You had ONE job!
– insensitive greetings card for the recently laid-off.
it’s sundress season and i have several dresses with pockets and and if you don’t think i’m gonna use them to carry spicy chicken nuggets and mini babybels, you are mistaken
Air Bud but from the perspective of a kid on the losing team that has to explain to his overbearing father he lost to a dog.
I thought that I heard you laughing.
I thought that I heard you sing.
I think I thought I saw you try to parallel park for twenty minutes.
Me: I’ll have one of those to go. A Cargarita, if you will. LOL
Bartender: I’m cutting you off
[funeral home]
DIRECTOR: Your uncle got hit by a bus?
ME: Yeah.
DIRECTOR: Do you want a quote on the headstone?
ME: Like what?
DIRECTOR: Well, did he have any last words?
ME: Yes.
I saw her biting her bottom lip so I threw her a cupcake. Poor girl must have been starving.
me: how do we ask nicely
him:
me: go on
him: PRETTY PLEASE help me deploy my parachute
Why do football players only dance when good shit happens? Just once I wanna see a QB throw an interception & do a sad, interpretive dance.
Sean Swordd: mighty
Sean Penn: mightier
You can change your cat’s name every day. They don’t care.
If you’re ugly, I won’t alert you if you have a typo. You have enough on your plate as it is.
*first day in prison
*walks up to biggest guy
*asks for WiFi password
I hadn’t pledged allegiance to the flag in so long I forgot the words and I may have just drunkenly pledged to one nation, invisible, with librarian judges for all.
My toddler was babbling a mile a minute first thing this morning and my 4yo said, ‘I’m going to need pancakes if I’m going to listen to you,’ so he’s my stress management coach now.
Took my dog to the vet this morning. There was a dog named “snot.” Wtf is wrong with people! 😡
To level the playing field, online dating sites should require using the picture in your driver’s license.
Ahhh December 1st. Time to start using Santa as a threat.
Me: I could survive in the wild.
Wife: It took you 9 minutes to open a bag of chips.
Hopefully wild game isn’t wrapped in plastic.
Sorry boss, I set my alarm for 7PM instead of 7AM and that’s why I haven’t been at work in six years.