There better be a martial arts tournament in Australia called Mortal Wombat
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I hate how Pinterest highlights that some moms make pancakes that look like animals when I can’t even make pancakes that look like pancakes.
(3am, my kid wakes up)
Me: *Pretends to be asleep*
My wife: *Pretends to be more asleep*
Me: *Pretends to be even more asleep*
My wife: *Pretends to be even way more asleep*
i think it’s time i give cats another chance. if any cats are reading this i just wanna say sorry for wanting to send u all to the military (even tho i still think it’s a good idea since u all have 9 lives) and i’m willing to start over if u are
Bad cop *plants drugs in perps car*
Gardener cop *adds mulch & Miracle-Gro®*
Just remember someone actually thinks your ex is being sincere right now
My son said it’s not fair I’m the only one that sleeps alone because my sisters sleep together and so do you and dad. I said I totally understand you can sleep with dad and I’ll take your room.
[standing at the threshold like a vampire] my sock has a hole in it
Krampus.
Ridiculous. He should be in jail
hate when people say “if u think this is better than sex, u haven’t had good sex!”, like no, maybe you’ve just never had good lasagna, Carol
“Can you explain this gap in your resume” yeah man TV got like really good for a few years
Keep things interesting by delicately sneaking ice cubes into your friends’ pockets
The Whole Foods next to this movie theater is perfect if you want to sneak in your own snacks, but don’t want to save a lot of money.
If mental stability was measured by the type of tweets we laughed at, straight jackets would be the new black.
Coworker: See you next year. Hahaha
Me: Not if you die tonight. Hahaha
What if i just replied “not now kitten daddy’s busy” to all my work emails?
Calm down shouty museum man. I think it’s pretty obvious that I know how to ride a dinosaur skeleton.
I, for one, understand ingrown hairs. I too have seen the world and would like to go back to where I came from
Sorry honey, they were all out of Turnt Triscuits.
[following girl off elevator] you cant hate snakes and then say u love dragons, because theyre actually extremely similar. in a lot of mytho
Can someone please invent pantyhose that don’t rip?
I think everyone in this bank just saw my face.
Flight attendant: You’re sitting in an exit row. Are you ready willing and able to assist in case of an emergency
Me, half an ambien and 2 bloody marys deep: Yeah
HOW TO BE A LAWYER:
Witness: I saw your client do it.
Me: Allegedly.
W: No, I did.
M: Allegedly.
Judge: That’s argumentative.
M: Allegedly.
[flops on the ground like a fish whenever I have to make a decision]
How to pick up chicks:
1) Go to the bar.
2) Shout random “Star Wars” quotes.
3) When a woman yells back the next line, marry her.
If you’re bringing an acoustic guitar camping it will be used as firewood.
Life hack:
Use a pot lid as a shield when cooking bacon with no pants on.
“I’ll worry about it next time”
– me pissing off future me
My mom enjoyed nearly 4 years as Grandma but thanks to my youngest her name is now Bogma.
(Date)
Me: Sorry I have terrible anxiety and get picnic attacks.Her: You mean panic attacks?
Me: *pulling basket out* Oh god make it stop