“There can only be one!” -Arab eyebrows
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Boss: How do you do under pressure?
Me: *flashbacks to time I fainted when I ended up in the middle of a dance circle at wedding* Ok I guess
So Beyonce had a strict diet prepping for Coachella..no dairy, no carbs, no alcohol, no meat, no fish, and no sugar. I know some women with that same diet prepping for a wedding. You are marrying a guy name Dan who eats chicken pot pie at diners, ya’ll can have some bread.
Ok guys, I have 28 minutes to kill before I casually need to respond to a text message.
What’s up?
therapist: you need healthy coping mechanisms
me: hmmm *writes note*
therapist: what did you just write
me: doesn’t feel so great does it
Sorry, but your password must contain an uppercase letter, a number, a haiku, a gang sign, a hieroglyph, and the blood of a virgin.
Judge: Guilty
Me: Sayyoudidwhat.
Judge: What did you say?
Me: Judge? Did you just reverse my sentence?
*Stage dives into cheering jury*
Interpretive dance is the best way to answer stupid questions.
His and her closets is code for “she gets two closets.”
I believe you cannot save people, you can only just love them. Which is probably why my job as a lifeguard didn’t last long.
Netflix My bladder
🤝
Streaming on demand
nurse: how do you rate your pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
Did you know that by today’s standards Marilyn Monroe would be considered dead?
Haha no way, you’re an 1/16th Polish AND a 1/3rd Irish???
Damn I must be part goldfish bc I don’t remember asking 🤷♂️🤷♂️🤷♂️
Sugar Daddy is just slang for high-fructose cornfather.
[standing at your brisket smoker with a baggie of hot dogs] “Would you cook these for me?”
It’s weird that ‘coward’ doesn’t mean
“towards a cow”.*sips wine*
My kid comes into our room every night to sleep and he usually brings a comfort toy with him. Tonight he chose to bring a harmonica. I am losing my mind.
2022 Jesus turns water into gasoline.
When the grid crashes and there’s no other way of communicating, we’ll see whose drum circle is “stupid”.
Me, to a perfectly white puppy: please try to stay clean
Him, 5 min later, having tried his best:
Hi, I’m your car’s radio. I’ll be playing terrible music during your trip, but once you get out of the car I’ll play your favorite song.
Kid: Daddy can I give some of my candy to that duck?
Me: No, ducks only eat things they find in nature, like bread.
Call your boring friend Simon, “Sighmon” he’ll never know the difference and you can laugh about it with your cool bros over beers.
Football player: please God, let my team win
God: ok sure, that’s simple enough
Football player on other team: God please let my team win
God: oh no
i dont like how monkeys have taken ownership of the whole banana thing. i bet i like bananas almost as much as they do
[couples therapy]
“Have you tried sexy lingerie?”
me: yeah but it just creeps her out.
inventor of pita: i have created bread in the form of a pocket.
assistant: aha so you can easily fill it with food.
inventor of pita: oh. [chuckles] oh it won’t be easy.
Drugs CAN make your life
miserable but if you wanna
leave no room for error,
try a Marriage Certificate.