@weinerdog4life: There is a button on my microwave that says "super clown" and I do not ever push that button
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@Shower4Thought: One of the perks of being a woman is that no one can ever surprise you with a kid years later and tell you you're the mom.
@theshantilly: Therapist: How do you feel? Me: With my hands. T: Do you deflect a lot? Me: Only sharp objects. If it's fluffy, I just let it hit me.
@therichards5: <in bed> <hears ice maker> OMG! I'm going to get murdered! <hears a/c come on> OMG! I'm going to get murdered <dog barks at door> STFU!