There is a button on my microwave that says “super clown” and I do not ever push that button
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Me: I’ve had this for 3 weeks & I’m still single!
HomeDepot Clerk: ma’am, a stud finder is for the beams in your wall
Me: that was unclear
Ran into an ex-girlfriend. We talked, exchanged info, and she said her “insurance would call” me. Someones still carrying a torch!
Shout out to the KFC drive-thru attendant who offered me “enough ranch to drown a small child”
FUN PRANK: tweet “going hang gliding!!!!” then don’t tweet again for 12 years
*at a pizza buffet in the Midwest*
Me: excuse me, can you please make a vegetarian pizza?
Him: Sure! What kind of meat do you want on that?
I saw a vending machine that takes Apple Pay which sounds cool but imagine how much it would suck to lose your phone in there.
A drone, but for seeing which fast food drive-thrus have the shortest line
You can still be mysterious after over sharing cause in that moment everyone is thinking “why would she say that”
I wouldn’t know what to do with a member even if I caught one
Princess: I shall marry whomever of you is the bravest
Suitors: [all awkwardly look at the toaster]
If listening to a 30 minute explanation of a 5 minute YouTube clip sounds fun, parenting may be right for you.
Been running on this treadmill for three hours but the timer says 16 minutes
friend: [texting] i’m gonna be late
me: *1 week later* for what?
banks email like “Ummmmm we have a MESSAGE for you. In your INBOX” and then the message is like “Hello we are your bank”
Reporter: are you nervous about the fight?
Me nervously: no
Reporter: he said he’s going to ‘rip your heart out’
Me crying: but I need it
Dissecting someone who’s really cute is an awwwtopsy.
It’s not enough to get up at 8 am & freeze on the soccer field. One must also scream from the sidelines so everyone knows you care.
My wife said I need to grow up.
I was speechless.
It’s hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth
When I was a teenager, my father showed me a 30 minute Powerpoint presentation why one should always wear a condom!
All the slides were just pictures of me….
Karl’s toupee isn’t fooling any one
I went for a hill walk in the rain yesterday. Anyway long story short, I can still do the splits
[doctor’s]
INVISIBLE MAN: Am I cured doc?
DR: Your tests are all clear
IM: Is that good?
DR: [talking to wrong empty chair] I’m not sure
GF: I’m leaving you because you’re obsessed with Spanish puns and Despicable Me.
ME: Please don’t go. You’re Juan in a minion.
People say you can’t avoid death but I’ve been doing it all my life.
Me: [2013] I don’t trust anyone I meet online
Me: [2018] last night I met someone on Twitter and we’re moving in together to become paranormal investigators
Me: death by loneliness? Is that even a thing?
Fortune teller, shrugs: look honestly I had never heard of it until you walked in
Felony Vandalism is a beautiful name for a girl.
Me: The salad with chicken, cheese and can you put it between slices of bread?
Waiter: So a sandwich?
Me: I’d prefer if we called it a salad
Me: *throwing random stick outside* Damn kids.
[LATER]
Husband: Where’d my stick go?