There is a dude in a fedora sitting next to you on the bus. Is he:
A. a ghost hunter
B. a virgin
C. a sword collector
D. all of the above
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According to scientists, money can reportedly carry more germs than a household toilet and yet when I do some money laundering, the cops arrest me.
Is it because I’m brown??
“Some say I have a drinking problem”
*pours glass of water on lap*
Not to brag about how well my diet is going, but I just had to put a whole new hole in my belt.
Sure it was at the wrong end, but that’s still progress, right?
The real danger of running with scissors is that a rock might fall on you.
I love a man who looks so deeply into my eyes, it’s like you can see my soul
Optometrist: please stop talking
I hung a picture of my paycheck on my front door to keep all the solicitors away.
If men knew the effect their scent has on women, they’d shower more and fart less.
Truthfully officer, I wouldn’t have pulled over, if I known all you were gonna do is complain about my driving..
The shopkeeper in my local store is such a nice guy and he often offers candy for my kids. I’ve resisted so far but if he throws in a quart of vodka too he has himself a deal.
I packed workout clothes for a vacation and my suitcase guffawed, unzipped itself and shot the clothes back out like a t-shirt cannon
Excuse me, I’m sorry to interrupt but woodpecker tongues go all the way the hell around the top of their skulls like some kind of insane deli ticket machine
ME: I can’t believe it’s not butter
FRIEND: This is a shoe
ME: Omg I can’t believe it
8: you can’t make me go to bed. I know karate now.
Me: you don’t say…
Narrator: Daddy-Fu always beats Karate, even though the moves are mostly tickling.
Lady t-rex: I’m tired tonight, take care of yourself.
Dude t-rex: 😑
me: [being beaten w/ nightstick] are u a virgo
cop: GET ON THE GROUND
me: that’s such a virgo thing to say
Wife: “Bad day?”
Me: “Stupidhead boss treats me like a kid.”
Wife: “Now now *pats head* eat your nuggets before they get cold.”
The Cheesecake Factory is finally coming to Canada!
…now I can stop being so nice to the Americans.
I signed up for a Yahoo email address and suddenly turned 85 years old.
OBGYN : What are you using for birth control?
Me: my personality
[family therapy]
JIMMY: My dad turns everything into a movie reference
DOC: Why do you do that?
ME: I want to develop a bond, James. Bond
If you blast Foreigner’s “I Want To Know What Love Is”, the naked old guys in the gym locker room cover up pretty damn quick.
To my American friends: On Sunday, don’t forget to set your clocks back one hour. On Tuesday, try not to set your country back 50 years.
TEACHER: You just answered B to every test question
ME: I figured I’d get a few right
TEACHER: It wasn’t multiple choice
Me: *changes channel* *changes channel*
Pet hermit crab: no wait go back
Announcer: welcome to house hunters
Standing in line at the grocery store. Lady behind me says “you can move up and stand on that X on the floor”
I politely said “No, I’ve seen far too many Road Runner cartoons to fall for that”
Today I threw away an empty Amazon box that’s been sitting on the floor for two weeks, so that means tomorrow I’ll have a need for that box.
Mary has her cakes…
Sandra has her cookies…
I always leave my vehicles gas on empty because I want thiefs to be as pissed off as my wife
Insomniacs who are not afraid of the dark have nighty-night problems but the pitch ain’t one.
I was just in line at the store and standing awkwardly and tried to put my hands in my pockets but my jeans don’t have pockets and THIS IS WHY WOMEN ARE ALWAYS ANGRY