@GonzoVice: There is a huge body of evidence to support the notion that me and the police were put on this earth to do extremely different things.
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@DurtMcHurtt: My grandma was so poor she only left me recipes for pasta dishes in her will, you could say she was my.. *golf swings* Pennefactor.
@GuyThe_Guy: My pistol only holds 9 bullets, so when I lose my shit I only get to kill 9 people or one cat.
@tweetarded1: My soon to be ex-wife just told me I need to face my demons. nnWTF. I was looking right at her.
@SharkJelly: [At Adele Concert] Adele: Hello from the other siiiiiide Me (shouting): Tell us your surname