There is a huge body of evidence to support the notion that me and the police were put on this earth to do extremely different things.
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A pregnant girl from my high school made her unborn child a Facebook and added me as a friend. I AM FRIENDS WITH AN EMBRYO YOU GUYS.
[walking quickly past the old lady I just held the door open for] this doesn’t mean you can order before me
anytime anyone dunks on me on this app i’m like man :/ i bet if they took the time to get to know me they’d be able to dunk on me even harder and more specifically :///
It’s so obvious that she wants me. She avoids me at all costs probably because her feelings are so strong for me.
Yeah, I’ll go with that.
sry
I had to make an important phone call and now I know my 9-year-old can yodel.
If you ever want to defeat your enemy in battle, just throw a waterlogged nerf football at their head.
My kid said that bagels are just sad donuts, so obviously he’s broken and I have to return him.
Kids today don’t know how easy they have it. When I was younger I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the tv channel.
In order to catch herpes, u have to think like a herpes
My superpower is finding the humor in nearly every situation. Uncle Bob’s superpower was flying. Landing… not so much. Lol
Priest: That’s your eulogy?
“He was the most alive of cats, he was the most dead of cats.”
– first line of Schrödinger’s “A Tale of Two Kitties”
•a lion stalks a fawn•
•a man steps out from behind tree•
I’m Chris Hansen from NBCs to catch a predator, do u know how old that deer is?
* nudges wife gently awake at 2 AM
I think my Captain America shield comes today.
me: [to woman next to me] blow on it for luck
craps dealer: no soup at the table
I wish I was as committed to anything the way infomercial actors are committed to over dramatizing their reaction to household chores.
I got my daughter 3 tiny worry dolls. Each night she tells one worry to each, & puts them under her pillow.
She said they’re taking her worries away so I figured I’d try, though it’s kind of hard to get comfortable with 817 of these things beneath my head.
Juliet: O Romeo, Romeo! Wherefore art thou Romeo?
Romeo: New phone. Who dis?
A kids program to yell at the kids when they misbehave called Dora The Exploder.
bet marie kondo is wishing she had more shit in her house right about now.
Black Friday through the years:
2005: 5am
2010: 3am
2012: 12am
2013: Thursday 8pm
2014: Thursday
2020: 4th of July
Me: I’m so excited to be working here. It’s always been my dream.
Willy Wonka: You’ll be on crime scene cleanup.
Me: wtf
nothing makes me happier than searching “colon” on twitter and seeing all the people who have misspelled cologne…
Great Halloween costume idea for couples: Go in a tandem Titanic costume, then get into a big fight halfway thru the night and break up
Sorry I’m late to work! I died of cholera back in 1805
Lional Richie let the world know that he played no active role in raising babies or toddlers when he released the song, “Easy Like Sunday morning.”
It’s taking this nurse 20 minutes to get my chart ready for the doctor, every few minutes she asks which hand is numb again.
I love friendship errands, where you do a little task with a friend by your side for company, like pick up your prescription or stop at the post office or transport a ring of power to Mordor
[coming through customs]
Okay Sir 1 last thing before we’re done. Is there anything you’d like to declare?
*slams passport*
“I’ve had sex.”
To add insult to injury illiterate is hard to spell.