There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.
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MUM 😳
MERRY CHRISTMAS TO YOU TOO.
[getting escorted out of zoo] “I just wanted to see if the panda knew kung fu like in the movie”
*wins oscar
I’d like to thank my legs,for always supporting me;my arms,who are always by my side& also my fingers,I can always count on them
If I had a yoshi I would ride him to work every day.
“Sup bob, see you got a new Kia, guess what I got, a fricken yoshi dude”
TENNIS BOYFRIEND: You deserve love
TENNIS GIRLFRIEND: That’s so mean
To use Google efficiently, write like Tarzan. “good tacos boston”
The pandemic has made it nearly impossible for me to get piggyback rides from strangers, so I’m really over it.
Good things to say after sex
1. thanks
2. that was fun
3. do u think my betta fish went to heaven when he died
4. where then
5. where is he
airline: will you be checking your bags, sir
me: again? I did that three times at home
Billboards never give helpful advice like “hey you’re about to walk into work with your fly down”.
The cat knocked over my coffee in the home office this morning and I’ve reported her to HR. In other news, HR has hired my cat.
Not sure if my pedicure tech asked, “you need chrome on your toes?” or “unicorn on your toes?” so I just nodded while trying to decipher it in my head, and now it’s too late. I’d be so easy to kidnap.
Putting my ducks in a basket and my eggs in a row…
…because chaos.
4 dudes 1 kickflip #Skateboarding #skatetwitter
Prove you’re not a robot by typing two words that sounds like they were doodled on a toilet cubicle by a schizophrenic
“No more self-deprecating tweets,” I whisper fatly.
Always let those you hate have the lion’s share.
Then tell the lion.
[white house staff meeting]
Obama: Any questions?
*Biden raises hand*
Obama: Spongebob is yellow Joe.
*Biden returns to coloring book*
Am I annoying yet? How about now? Now? Now? Now? How about now? Now? Now? Now? Maybe now? Now? Now? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow?
Me: Our kids are finally at an age where we can sleep in on week-
Youth sports: Let me stop you right there.
[on 1st date]
Him: So why is someone as pretty as you single?
Me: Single? Who’s single? [gets right up in his face] We marry at dawn.
How much for the Ice Cream Scoop?
Ma’am, that’s a Shovel.
Somehow, I must have switched shopping carts while I was at the store. I don’t remember buying any of this stuff.
Or having an Asian baby.
Minimum wage job description: Will be able to follow simple processes and occasionally drink water without spilling it down self.
Actual job: You’re now responsible for the concept of life itself and also go bring peace to the Middle East. Also blinking will get you fired.
What do you call a Magician without any magic?
Ian.
I once dated a girl for 3 months because we were stuck in a hammock.
FIRED? But I just started! How could I have known we don’t do casual Fridays here? Fine. Direct your own goddamn funeral. *flip-flops away*
Have kids so instead of just having a peaceful morning you can argue with your 3 y/o about why he can’t lock his younger brother outside in the rain.
I don’t trust anyone who bikes to work for reasons other than a DUI
5yo: Curious George is not a monkey
Me: yes he is
5yo: no he isn’t, he doesn’t have a tail, he’s an ape
Me: he definitely has a— *googling pics of Curious George* omg