There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.
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*sees a ghost*
omg dont haunt me please i dont wana b scared
“dude i literaly experienced the horors of death so maybe this isnt about you”
Can we not just call it Zealand now?
Kinda creepy that my kids got in a screaming match over which one is my favorite since I don’t have any kids.
Carl: Cold out night.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: NASA found LSD improved spiders’ ability to make webs.
Me: Fair enough.
My 9-month-old ate part of her sister’s math worksheet and now we’re waiting to see if she passes algebra.
idea for a movie:
a bear who is a parent
captures a psychotherapist
to cook as dinner for the cubs
and the movie is called
(and i’m very very sorry)
“kids, i honeyed the shrink”
I came to this town with only 8 dollars in my pocket and I turned myself into a success. If it weren’t for the access to another $940K I had in the bank, it might have been damn near impossible.
Interviewer: Give an example of a difficult scenario &how you handled it.
Me: I poured a bowl of cereal, but had no milk. I used ice cream.
girls post instagrams of their boyfriends like theyre toddlers. aww look, he tried a new food! so handsome in his big boy outfit at the wedding! we got sooooo tired on a trip, but he didnt cry once!
Movie Trivia: Cloverfield was just Khloe Kardashian on a shopping trip in New York
It’s not a real relationship, until you’ve apologized to a locked bathroom door.
You want me to eat this Caesar salad with this fork and knife you provided? You know what they did to Caesar with a knife?
Thankfully, my family and I already had a series of underground dens connected by tunnels that we dug with our strong mole hands.
[drunk text] God I miss you so much. Why can’t we go back to how things were?
OBAMA: How did you get this number?
“Oh boy, what a day of having sex with real women,” I yell too loud while passing my microwave.
There is no “we” in chocolate.
FITBIT: You’ve done 11k steps today.
ME: Ok, I’ll rest some.
FITBIT: stop now and I’ll murder you
ME: What?
FITBIT: I SAID GOOD FOR YOU!
Why do birds suddenly appear anytime you are near?
Him: *hiding bread crumbs in his pockets*
Operator: 911
Me: My wife is going into labor, what do I do?
O: Relax sir, is this her first born?
Me: No, this is her husband.
TEENAGE JAMES BOND: its actually just a learners permit to kill. I can kill, but only with an adult over 25 and not after 10pm
Once, I had a dream so bad I threw away the pillow.
Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means.
Home Alone is my favorite movie about the inevitable homicidal tendencies that come from prolonged neglect.
My swear jar is overflowing with IOUs that no bank will guarantee.
if eating salty stuff at night makes you puffy in the morning why doesn’t sugar make you fit and contoured
I asked my wife how to turn Alexa off. She said, I don’t know, have you tried walking through the room naked?
Trying to get healthier, I took up shadow boxing. I’m getting a lot better at it, but so is he.
A spider just tried to crawl across my hand and now how do you extract a fork from bone without causing more damage?
I’m tired of the grind and have decided to seek romantic comedy employment. Currently searching postings for high paying positions in a whimsical book shop.
1. Pick jeans to wear
2. Pull them up to thighs
3. Pants dance for 3 minutes
4. Take pants off
5. Put sweatpants on
6. Cry, eat pumpkin pie