Overheard 2 dad’s at the playground wondering if my kid was as creepy as me.
Joke’s on them. I don’t have kids.
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Every DJ knows the best response to a request is “yeah sure” then not play the song.
I met a young fashion designer earlier, and it wasn’t long before I was in the bedroom ripping her clothes off.
I love counterfeiting stuff
google maps should not count towards my screen time. i’m not addicted to my phone im disoriented
cashier: have a nice day
me: i got other plans, buddy
ME: *does entire national anthem with armpit farts*
WIFE: see what I mean?
THERAPIST: Mmmhmm *writes in notes: “she’s nuts. This guy rules*
*tides knock down my sand castle*
Me: [looks up at moon] now it’s personal [loads pistol]
Do ducks and geese ever sit in a circle and play “ape ape human”?
America: School 6-18 should be free. More than free! MANDATORY
“Hey can you cover school 19-22 also?”
No that’s socialism
“19-20?”
SOCIALISM
‘A confident swipe of the debit card’ is my favorite fantasy.
One time I ran into an old friend and she said “omg you haven’t met my baby” and i said “omg I had no idea” and the next day I went to her house with a baby gift and her baby was a goddamn cat.
My high school “best friend” unfriended me on Facebook, so I guess the weight loss is noticeable.
Dumbo is a flying mammal and therefore a bat.
me: are you telling me how to raise my children?
necromancer: trying to, yeah
Mystery bruises are god’s little way of saying, “Perhaps you should drink less, whore.”
(after spending 15 minutes ripping a video off instagram and reposting it to twitter) who did this 😂😂😂😂😂
If the murder robots look like wall•e I will betray all of you
Wife: We should go camping
Me: Yay
*waits til wife is gone to tell kids the Blair Witch Project plot. Camping trip turns into visit to NYC*
dictator is short for richard potato
Remember, your neighbours aren’t going to be attacked by killer bees on their own. You have to want it. You need to make it happen.
I wish I had the confidence of my 10 yr old who told me I was “driving all wrong” seconds after she asked for help getting gum out of her hair
(saying something slightly ambiguous on the internet) ah i could’ve phrased that better but i’ll probably get the benefit of the doubt from thousands of strangers who only come here to get pissed off
You can just put your own drawings up on the fridge. Nobody assumes an adult drew it so they’re always super impressed.
rival dad next door thinks he has the best lawn but joke’s on him because i just sold my house to a professional landscaper. CHECKMATE.
Some time last year, I accidentally splashed pothole water onto a lady on a rainy day. When I stopped to apologise, the lady immediately ran away! I’m still wondering why
Someone on Facebook sent me an invite to their Fall Tupperware party. The only way I’m going is if they’re full of food.
What I really need is a visit from the ghost of christmas don’t cut your own bangs.
You know, if you keep a pie in each hand, you can’t accidentally touch your face.
“Have you tried… not thinking about skeletons?” my therapist asks.
I look at her.
I look at the skeleton inside her trying to trick me.
[1 year 4 months since Totino’s changed their frozen pizza shape from circle to rectangle]
ME: *sigh*
HER: still mad at Totino’s?
M: yeah