There is a vast difference between an underdog and a loser, the first one has a real chance to win.
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*text to wife 2 hours after she goes away for week long trip*
hey, whats the best way to get grease off my favorite basketball shorts and do we have a fire extinguisher?
love you
ps – does the dishwasher usually smoke? also do I like cucumbers??
Love you, dont worry about me
Today, I realized that I am half-centaur.
The best thing capitalism has done is put a little window on pasta boxes so the noodles can look out at the world.
I haven’t won anything since I did my kid’s fifth grade science fair project.
[playing hide and seek]
daughter: WHAT IS LOVE
[silence]
daughter: WHAT IS LOVE
[silence]
daughter: WHAT IS L-
me: [exploding out of closet] BABY DON’T HURT ME
she’s already got guys telling her she’s beautiful. be different. send her a cheese board.
You would be amazed how cheap lawn mowers are at Home Depot when you own a pickup truck and a orange apron.
Oh my god y’all. I watched a woman attempt to go through airport security with ten fully inflated helium birthday balloons. She kept shoving them into the conveyor belt to the scanner but they just kept popping back out like a cartoon. Yes this happened in florida.
When Prince Adam called upon the power of Greyskull and turned into He-Man, it didn’t make him bigger or stronger it just made him more naked
For sale: Golden Retriever, had for 9 months, has yet to retrieve gold. Should have bought a metal detector.
Stupid people who suddenly make a smart decision have no idea how confusing that is for the rest of us.
If I was a Jedi my most common use of the force would probably be rebooting the router.
bought a box of 100 crickets from the pet store and released them back into the ocean were they belong
My daughter made such a cute little doll of me. It even has my real hair. She has it surrounded by some candles, and she’s giving it acupuncture to help the sharp pain in my side go away.
How many calories does an audible sigh burn? Because I don’t think my Apple Watch is giving me credit for them.
Friend: What do you like most about Adele?
Me: Have you seen her work/life balance? She works for 6 months then disappears for 5 years.
Studies show women find food emotionally comforting.
Please send chickpeas.
♫ Hey there Delilah, can we handle this discreetly
My stomach reacted badly
after eating old zucchini ♪
and I just pooooed ♫
Mom: I called you bc I was watching a TV show & thought of you!
Me: Ya? What show?
My Mom (laughing): A show about Aliens!Very funny Mom!
[product design]
CEO: I want our dry grocery items to have built-in Ziploc closures
me: OK should they be easy to open?
CEO: absolutely not
There’s a bird in the yard and she’s shaking her tail feathers in hope of attracting a mate. HE SHOULD LOVE YOU FOR YOUR BRAIN, I yell.
I just fought a child-proof container to the death.
*gets down on one knee*
Wow, you really suck. Why can’t you be more like the other knee?
Another morning waking up not knowing where tf you are or how you got there.
My online boyfriend loves me so much that once I put my money in his PayPal account he is coming to visit me.
Put me in your bio so I know it’s real… Just kidding, I’d rather be in your will.
No matter how happily married you think you are, there will always be those times when your spouse eats that last cookie.
me: i can’t believe how much i paid for these 800 thread count sheets
insomnia: me either
car salesman: and I’m 95% sure no one has died in the trunk hahaha
me: ok phew haha
*muffled screaming*
car salesman: 100%
I like how we say “vegan” now instead of “eating disorder”.