ME: It’s quite interesting really. You see, “gym” comes from the greek “gymnós” meaning “naked”
YMCA ATTENDANT: Yeah, you’re going to need to put on some pants
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Aries: You pissed off the moon. You’re on your own.
Just tested the structural integrity of a door frame with my face. It’s pretty solid.
Son: It’s spring break, what are we doing?
Me: Working, “we” are working.
Instagram: “Look at my sushi!”
Vine: “Look at my sushi for six seconds!”
If you dont sin, Jesus died for nothing!
BULLY: lol as if you’ve got a date for prom
ME: uh yes, actually, I have
BULLY: Damn
ME *confidently smooths down shirt* It’s May 23rd. I’ll be going alone
My autocorrect just changed “I’m off” to “I’m DTF” and changed a casual conversation with my boss into an H.R meeting.
*gets in taxi*
Me: Wow it’s cold out there, my hand is freezing.
Cabbie: Where to?
Me: (putting on other glove) You know what, you’re right.
Suddenly all I own are skinny jeans.
The date abruptly ended when an argument over who’s the hottest Disney princess spiralled out of control.
[god inventing cows]
angels: why?
god: cheese
angels: *nodding* cheese
*wears a ballgown to son’s baseball game*
Narrator: Ursula needs to control her puns; she’s embarrassing her family.
If god can artificially inseminate someone, why did he need two of every animal on the ark to repopulate the world?
a cute boy moved in next door and his bedroom window is across from mine, I hope this doesn’t turn into a coming of age film.
PMS: Hey, I’m not going to be coming around much anymore
ME: Yay!
PMS: Hold up
ME: What?
PMS: You’re on your way to going through the change
ME: Ahh, I’m finally going to become a butterfly
Welcome to your 40s, you now respond to every younger person telling you their age with “Jesus Christ”.
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
1yo: *walking*
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
6yo: *riding two-wheeler*
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
16yo: *pouring milk into cereal without spilling*
“I’m telling you, it’s all or nothing,” the exterminator explains to Noah, “I can’t just leave 2 woodworm. It doesn’t work like that.”
My mom: why didn’t you say yes when I asked if you had a boyfriend?
Me: you asked if there were any “lucky men” in my life. My boyfriend’s life is miserable
Romantic movies taught me that you always have to walk out after a big argument so that 6yrs later you can meet by chance and get married.
This morning I jogged for 30 swear words.
The “give me your tired, your poor” quote under the statue of liberty makes sense, because that’s the nyc lifestyle. “you’re already broke and exhausted? great. you’ll love it here.”
Feels like the fourth month in January
Hide and seek but only they forget to look for you.
Them:
Me: damn I picked a good spot.
AMAZON, 1998: hello we sell books but online
AMAZON, 2023: please return to your Primehouse for your nightly Primemeal, valued Primecitizen
coworker: hey grant
me: [stands up]
cw: u know what I hate about this job
me: [walks out of office]
cw: [follows me] u know what I hate
me: [takes elevator to top floor]
cw: u know what I hate
me: [climbs ladder to rooftop]
cw: u know what I hate
me: [jumps]
Know your Norse mythology. Loki. The trickster. Devised the death of heroic god Baldr and those chips that can’t be opened without scissors.
Damn that is one huge cow. this is why I buy internet on flights. I almost saw that 6 hours after you guys did
[first rap battle]
me: call me artisanal burger because i’m falling apart
opponent: please stop crying