@abhorrent_wife: There is no amount of money I wouldn't pay for a remote control that could walk itself over to me from the other side of the room.
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@TastyTuneTweets: Go ahead lady, call the cops. I have witnesses that say your toddler started it.
@SaraThomas84: The most dangerous piece of machinery a person can operate while drinking is the telephone
@UncleDuke1969: *pulls up pants* Me: It feels like I've got the world's worst wedgie! Proctologist: That's normal. M: ... P: Hey... Have you seen my glove?
@AimeeHelene1: Me: Heeeeyyyyyy Judy, good morning! *scratches Judy's back, wiping off my Cheeto fingers* Judy: Hi!!! How are y..... Me: *walks away*