There is no amount of money I wouldn’t pay for a remote control that could walk itself over to me from the other side of the room.
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COP: Freeze!!!
EXCEL: LOL no problem
The first five days after the weekend are the worst.
My daughter: Can we stop for ice cream, and then not get any for John?
Me: Stop being awful to your brother. Someday you might need a kidney.
Her: Mom, you know how much water I drink. I will never need that.
When your great-grandchildren call you racist for thinking all monkeys look the same.
Wife: Why did you have to cook all of it at once? Not only do we now have to eat 5 pounds of the stuff for breakfast but the whole house smells like bacon!
Me: I’m failing to see what part of this is upsetting
As an introvert, having a special place in hell reserved just for me sounds rather nice.
My youngest once got ahold of the scissors and gave herself a haircut. It wasn’t bad. So now every 6 weeks we casually leave them out.
moses: watch me split the red sea in half
red sea: i’ve got a boyfriend
I worry that without my car’s skid warning light I’d have no way of knowing that I was about to drive into a wall
My cats woke me up at 3am fighting so while they’re trying to sleep it off I think I’ll spend the whole day vacuuming
him: I think we should see other people
me: is that on hulu or netflix
If I’m reading this DNA report correctly, the thin lines here and the thick lines over here mean nothing is my fault.
I wonder if the dinosaurs were this goofy when they had their extinction level event.
So far my favorite thing about COVID-19 is getting an email from EVERY SINGLE STORE that’s ever had my email addy about how they are committed to protecting their employees and customers. I HAVEN’T SET FOOT INSIDE YOUR STORE IN 7 YEARS LEAVE ME ALONE.
I burn more calories begging, cajoling and pleading with my kids to get dressed for our hike and get out the door than I will on any actual hike
My daughter had a friend who comes over that makes my other kids look less weird. I wish she was here more often.
In the rookiest of moves, at 4:30PM on Christmas Eve, my husband asked what our 5yo what he is most excited to get from Santa tomorrow
“Oh. My. God.” – the first duck to eat bread.
*6 holding a 5 hour energy*
“Look at this teeny juice! It didn’t taste good at first but I finished it!”
Go ahead, have kids.
Call centre operator: “Sorry for the delay, bear with me … ”
Me: “Put the bear on, he probably knows more.”
Me: *picks up regular store brand item instead of economy store brand item*
My family: what’s the occasion?
6-year-old: Is it cold outside?
Me: Yeah. You should put on a sweater.
6: I should stay home.
Turns out I wasn’t in narnia, I was in my dishwasher high on bath salts
This snow makes me want to wear a nice sweater by the fireplace and frame my neighbor Gary for murder
“Rolls Royce” is my favorite car that sounds like an Australian describing a sushi chef
Billboards never give helpful advice like “hey you’re about to walk into work with your fly down”.
My grocery store changed its whole layout. It was better the other way so I’m slowly and quietly moving everything back.
Was carded whilst buying wine today and my response was to point out that I was wearing a very sensible cardigan