(after sex)
Would you mind completing this brief survey?
You Might Also Like
[high school reunion]
Amanda: wow, you haven’t changed a bit
me: [covered in acne and wearing faded Pokemon shirt]: yeah I know
5: Next year, I’m going to be 6, and my sister will be 2.
Me: Yup, that’s right.
5: And my brother will be 9.
Me: Good job.
5: And you’ll be fort-
Me: That’s enough math for now.
All women are technically bodybuilders if they get pregnant
Living in Switzerland wouldn’t be so bad. The flag is a plus.
My doctor told me I needed a brain MRI.
My wife assured me they wouldn’t find anything.
Bored? Find group photo of 4 women on Instagram. Comment “You 3 look incredible!!”
Irony is how Jesus is too Liberal for most of his own Fan Clubs
Anyone who believes in cyber-bullying is a huge pussy.
“I raised you better than that!!!!” you very obviously did not
Things that are not cool:
– smoking
– having cable
– ant farms
– beyblades
– anyone still reading this
Overheard my daughter’s friend on FaceTime telling her Dad to please stop singing because he’s embarrassing her so obviously I did what any Dad would do and finished the chorus for him.
I call my mother twice a week. Or as she refers to it, “Never.”
god: stop doing bad stuff
me: hear me out, what if i keep doing it but i feel bad after
god: that’s not the same
me: sorry ur breaking up
My 7-year-old told me she wants a pet chinchilada. Do I find this at the pet store or a Mexican restaurant?
Anyone know how soon I should start roasting our Christmas turkey so I can be sure it will be nice and dry enough in time for the big day?
Back in 2012 my wife & I were the victims of a horrific & terrifying home invasion that left us mentally scarred & unable to sleep. But our daughter’s 5 now & we’ve actually grown quite fond of her.
New York: The city that never sleeps.
Berlin: The city that never sleeps until Sunday.
Paris: The city that never sleeps alone.
Sir, the children at the petting zoo are unhappy. They think our animals are lame
*stares off into distance*
We’re gonna need a bigger goat
[Obamacare Meeting]
*Biden raises hand*
*Obama sighs* Yes Joe?
Will the doctor still have lollipops?
Sure.
*Entire Congress sighs w/ relief*
Me: [sitting on a swing, eating goldfish crackers out of a plastic baggie at the park]
Him: How old is your child?
Me: Child?
The label on the pack of the supplements I just bought says “Keep in a dark place”, so I stored it in my memories.
*phone rings*
Wife: “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me (a dad): “Hello. Yes my wife is here. Hey, Not In. It’s for you.”
Wife: “….”
When I get the vibe from someone that fitting in is super important to them my first instinct is to bite them.
Shamrocks are the most dishonest of all the rocks.
boss: somebody stole the office thesaurus
me: I perceive your concern however I am not cognizant of the perpetrator
Went on a date and the guy asked me my blood type. That’s normal right?
*Puts lock box on kidneys*
Accidentally threw out the lid of the ice cream. Now I’ve no choice but to eat it all.
Looking for a new spicy potato chip?
-Hot Pringles in your area
a house without a chimney should be called a nouse
I hate when I’m in a room with 3 other people, & I have to shove the entire kit kat in my mouth.