There is no doubt in my mind, I would trade my ovaries for another liver.
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Whale: Hey did you hear I have a new girlfriend? She’s aaall over me it’s crazy.
Eel: For the last time barnacles don’t count as girlfriends
Microsoft Developer: We’ll call it “Excel!”
Manager: Great! What will it do?
Developer: The opposite of that.
Pie is superior to cake. Nobody makes a cake chart.
I often offer prayers for my parents to be smiling and happy as they look down on me from heaven, but dad says if I include it again when I’m saying Grace it will be the last time they visit for Thanksgiving.
if you mesopotamia, you better cleanupotamia
If I had a nickel for every time a child called my name as I immediately sat down I’d be able to pay a butler to go see what they want.
Teacher: Did your mom sign your permission slip?
Kid: Yep
Teacher: This says you have permission to be the teacher
Kid Teacher: please raise your hand before speaking
It seems like I only lose weight when I don’t buy ice cream.
Can someone else start buying my ice cream for me please?
“Should I vomit at 1am or 3am? Maybe both.”
I don’t care how much you pay for sushi- you are getting a raw deal.
Would a rose by any other name still let Jack die?
So a baby crawls across the floor to it’s bottle and it’s cute but when I do it Im in need of an intervention?
I cleaned off the top of my desk so I’d feel like I accomplished something. Now I just have to clean up the floor where I threw everything.
Ridiculous. He should be in jail
Me: I think I saw a murder.
Policeman: Are you positive?
Me: I assume people act with the best intentions and I believe a better future is ours to make.
Policeman: About the murder.
Me: Not really. No.
there’s a trend I’m seeing on TikTok rn of women in their 20s and 30s starting ballet “for their mental health” and as a former ballerina…….. i am experiencing some real dramatic irony here
This painting is titled:
Would It Hurt You To Put The Dirty Bowl In The Dishwasher?
Bad is when you finish the dishes then see a few more things to wash. Worse is when your wife is there so you can’t say you didn’t see them.
I don’t like towels so after a shower I just sit in a tub of rice
[opening a letter]
me: oh my god
wife: what is it?
me: it just says “oh my god”
I just had a guy explain maps to me. He handed me a map and said, “This is a map. You use it to locate things.”
I didn’t know what to say so I replied, “These are my shoes. I am going to use them to walk away now.”
If snails are so slow, how come nobody sees them coming? It’s always like bam, there’s a snail
Love that person who tells me to ‘take a drink of water’ when I’m CHOKING ON WATER.
oh no, steve’s working tonight
[princess gets captured in a castle]
[princess breaths a sigh of relief cuz she knows 2 short Italian plumbers]
Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that didn’t let it’s daughter go to prom
I just paid $37 for some homemade vanilla tapioca pudding on the Dark Web.
The woman that cleaned my house could make a lot of money by threatening to release the before and after photos
please do not approach me unless i have an exclamation point above my head indicating i have a quest for you
If you try and fight South Park they will just turn around and do another episode about you. 😬