There is no “ea” in Tim.
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“Update the force, Luke”
Adobe Wan Kenobi
Thank goodness I’m loud and obnoxious all the time, so my family can’t blame it on the alcohol.
My toddler woke up, saw her shadow, and predicted 6 hours of anarchy.
I know I’m short but if you ever try to pat me on the head I will bite your ankles
[at the store]
Me: Your powers are weak, old man
Wife: …
Me: The force is strong with this one
Wife: …
Me: Together we can rule the galaxy
Wife: …
Me: Luuuuuuuke, I am your father
Wife: Can you just pick out a damn fan already?
You look like a snack:
-way overused
-not specific enough
-not enough affectionate noisesYou look like a moose:
-a very cute moose
-make all the boy moose go HWAAAAH
[on the phone with wife]
Honey, who do you like better, Hulk Hogan or Jafar from Aladdin?
“Tell me why.”
[winks at tattoo artist] No reason.
ALIEN: What is “January”?
ME: That’s a month… named after a god
ALIEN: Ah, so August is a god
ME: Actually, he was a Roman
ALIEN: Ah, so October is a Roman
ME: Actually, that named after a number
ALIEN: Ah, the 10th month so 10
ME: Actually, 8
ALIEN: Ok this is bullshit
dear teenage me, it’s the future. no flying cars but you will write jokes on a telephone. no don’t kill yourself it’s actually pretty fun
‘NO NO NO NO NO NO’ – My brain, every time words start coming out of my mouth.
“Wow you’re an English teacher? You must get so mad at the grammar on Twitter!”
I do not give one single shit how you choose to structure your thoughts on this free app made for character limited discussion.
Couldn’t remember the word ‘ostrich’ earlier so I called it a giraffe chicken.
Me: I am become death. Destroyer of worlds.
Her: Will you please just spray the hornets’ nest?
Me: K.
My tubes are tied. I didn’t even know they were competing.
The contents of my son’s last diaper was so upsetting to both of us we shared a cigarette after I changed it.
If someone asks us why we didn’t have kids I ask them how many people they’ve had sex with, and when the awkward silence hits it’s peak I’ll ask if I’m playing the none of your business game correctly.
Your Parents divorced because your Dad didn’t want to put your talentless paintings on the fridge.
Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles
You’ve just gotta remember, some things don’t work out so you can make room for the things that will.
If both don’t work out…eat a cake.
I asked my dog to marry me and he said no. I am stuck in man’s best friendzone.
If you want to catch a bus you have to *think* like a bus.
Apparently banging the hell out of this remote doesn’t seem to be recharging these dead batteries.
Automated phone system: To speak to a representative, please enter the last twelve digits of pi.
*lies down on couch*
*turns on TV*
*covers up with blanket*
*adjusts pillows perfectly*
[from other room: “Honey can you come here please?”]
Drunk at 20: “I’m going to call my ex.”
Drunk at 30: “I’m going to tweet my MP.”
Hey baby, I’m like Fred Flintstone I can really make your bed-rock. Also I live in a cave and don’t have any electricity
Laser hair removal? That’s dumb. If I had laser hair, I’d keep it.
A fellow lawyer brought me a homemade poundcake today because she said I was a nice person. So sweet! I brought it home and now no one will eat it because, as my son said, “What if she is trying to murder you?”
me: it’s the basis for all life on earth if you take my point so technically any form of romance is carbon dating
archaeologist: how did you find me?
5-year-old: Do you know what I learned at school?
Me: What?
5: I was asking you. I don’t remember.