There is no “I” in TEAM. But there is MEAT.
Delicious meat.
You Might Also Like
Me: I’m so happy we are the first married astronauts to land on the moon
[later]
Wife: pass me the rock sample bags
Me: I thought you brought them
I can’t wait when I’m old enough to blame my age on why I’m stealing batteries and cheese
Watching two people at work argue about who put the empty milk back in the fridge when it was me.
Announcer: In one corner, her will to live. In the other corner, her sanity. Let’s get ready to crumblllllllle
-So many red dots everywhere on the fields this morning, that I haven’t seen before, I wonder what..
-Oh, nooo! Alien invasion!
-..flower they were
The car in front of me didn’t go when the light turned green, so I honked.
She mouthed “thank you.”
Okay, it wasn’t “thank”you, but I pretended it was.
Would you rather live without coffee or without Wi-Fi?
Shake what your mama gave you.
*turkey soup from a cool whip container just flies everywhere
Instead of saying you lost your eyesight due to an explosion while you were making meth, just tell people that you were blinded by science.
IDK if you really want to impress me with your car…… get a food truck
Signed up for the gym because I heard about leg day and hoped I’d pick up a new leg. But all that happened was that it made my remaining leg ache for two days.
‘I’ve never done this on a first date before’ I say as I start vacuuming his place
WIFE: Honey? why is there a deer in the living room wearing your clothes? HONEY?
[Cut to me running naked through the moonlit forest]
Nothing scarier than unlocking your phone in front of coworkers and not remembering what the last thing on your screen was.
[when someone likes me]
*eyes narrow* but I don’t even like me
[On couch, notices it’s 6pm]
Luckily I don’t have to pick up the kids from the Christmas party until 8.
*Notices it’s February*
OH SHIT
[Dracula bites a pig]
Me: ohhhhh, hampire
Whenever I unsubscribe and it asks me why, I choose “other” and put “you know what you did.”
hot panini’s mom is pissed, you guys.
Preacher: CAN I GET AN AMEN?!?
Me: [from back row] MAY you get an amen
Me: Dropped my phone & now screen doesn’t work.
Help forum: Should’ve had a better case.
Apparently, my mother works in Samsung support now.
*points at houseplant*
no, YOU have a drinking problem!!
As meltdowns go I think this one is pretty mild. Oh and by the way, the fact that nobody has offered me drugs yet is pretty disappointing.
Elon literally had the chance to name his kid Melon Musk and he blew it.
eating red meat increases your chances of dying by 13%. i now have a 113% chance of dying.
So supportive, you should change your name to Wonder Bra.
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
[using tweezers to yank out a splinter]
*extreme rat noises*
Hi, I’d like to order a baby
“Excuse me?”
It says here you deliver babies?
“Sir this is a hospital”
[vampire quickly hangs up phone]
When you’re an inflight safety pamphlet designer who definitely knows what babies look like