There is no idea so bad that it cannot be made to look brilliant with the right application of fonts and colours
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wife: don’t let the kids see you drinking directly from the bottle
me: *putting down the ketchup* ok
Startled by the sound of my own washing machine, yet convinced I’d be a badass in any apocalypse.
“She is not fine.”
~Sun Tzu
Sometimes passing by a nursing home is the only reminder I need to go buy my kids whatever they want.
Looking for a date, he must
-be an alpha male
-not shave
-howl at the moon
-not eat all the dog biscuits at once
-ok I’ve been single for too long
lowe’s manager: so…you want a job. what department should I assign you to?
me: hmm…how about the mirror aisle? I can see myself working there.
Interviewer: what makes you qualified for the janitor position?
Me: I used to be on the curling team in college.
Wrote a manifesto using Google Translate so if I ever murder someone I can plead insanity.
I was in a park and a lady loudly called out “Anyone who wants an ice cream come over here”. I headed over with several others. She handed out ices to them all then asked me “Who are you?”. I realised the rest were all her family. 30 years later I still cringe.
The guy I’ve been paying to pick up poop in my backyard just realized that I don’t own any animals.
I be hella fake at work using words I never use in my real life like “awesome”
therapist: and what motivation will we use ?
me: hate fueled spite ?
therapist: no
ive modified my phone to deliver electric shocks each time one of you unfollows me. The pain will make me kinder, humbler, and more powerful
I know “hate” is a strong word but there’s really no other way to describe my feelings for people getting cars for Christmas in tv commercials
WIFE: Whatcha thinking about?
ME: *thinking about how penguins could probably fly if they just believed in themselves more* Just work stuff
European out-of-offices: “I’m away camping for the summer. Email again in September”
American out-of-offices: “I have left the office for two hours to undergo kidney surgery but you can reach me on my cell anytime”
Taylor Swift seems like the kind of chick who’d stare at her boyfriend while he’s sleeping.
“Everybody Dance Now” – C & C Music Factory
“20 sided Dice now” – D & D Music Factory#LunchPun #RateMyPun
Not enough things are decided by potato sack races anymore.
toddler *begs me to take him to get ice cream*
me: Ok
[standing in line]
me: Do you know what do you want?
toddler: Chicken nuggets
When you’re on a diet everything smells like cookies. Except the guy beside me on the city bus. He smells like sardines
Delicious sardines
Police – they really trashed your house, anything missi-
Me – hmmm? No, this is how it always looks
Started raining WHILE I was in the car wash. Like..
Me: If it waddles like a duck and quacks like a duck, it’s probably a duck.
Daughter: Didn’t you waddle when you were pregnant with my sister?
Me: *stops the car* get out!
elbows are not enough. we need a pasta for each and every body part
Babies look like old men. I told my newborn niece she was my sweet schmoopie angel and she told me to get off her lawn.
[kung fu fight]
“Your tiger claw is no match for my crane.”
*starts lifting heavy building materials*
Me: Get off the iPad and play with your new gifts.
9yo: Ok, can you help me set up this microscope? Do we have vinegar and distilled water for this craft set? How does this weaving loom work? Can you do a mad lib with me?
Me: Go play the iPad.
Teacher: you failed your spelling test, all your words are missing a t
Dracula: *pulling out doctor’s note* oh you mean the little cross?
Siri: Retweet me.