There is no law stating that you have to explain why you’re carrying a purse full of hair when going through security.
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it’s so beautiful today i think i’ll take my ps5 outside
I always carry a jellyfish with me in case a hot girl wants me to pee on her, but she is too embarrassed to ask.
Open for business, 24/7
~my stomach
No one is full of more false hope than a parent bringing a chair to the beach.
My grandfathers were WWII heroes and I get anxiety if I don’t know the intricacies and protocols of the entire dining establishment I’m picking up take out from at least 24 hours in advance. I’m mapping it out on a chalkboard like a lil nervous Eisenhower.
caveman: *bit by a radioactive cave*
“There’s a clown hanging over you.”
“You mean cloud.”
“I wish I did.”
“Dammit.”
Me: my point is, if you remove the potatoes from potato salad you aren’t left with salad
Deli Manager:
Me: so what else are you lying about
Are you questioning my vocabulary skills, pal? Cause you are gonna get punched right in the plethora
The woman in line behind apparently wants to slowly put her body inside of mine.
[spelling bee]
Your word is “spider”
Can you use it in a sentence?
“A spider has eight eyes.”
[kid smiles]
Spider. S-P-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-D-E-R
ME (an armchair psychiatrist): I think you’re crazy
ARMCHAIR:
“Release the Kraken!”
…
“Well?”
“We released him. He just took off. It’s not like he was trained or anything.”
…
“Release the tuna!”
Drug dealer: What do you want?
Me: Please give me 17 of your finest *checks note on hand* marriage o’wannas
When your wife asks if men think about sex every 7 seconds the correct answer is “I think of you all the time dear” & not “Sex with who?”.
Me: and now turning to slide 23, in conclusion I think we can all agree that this is not the outcome we were hoping for
Widow: *taking back microphone* how did you know my husband?
talking isn’t enough. i need the therapist to backhand me
Baby is born.
Me: Wow. Everyone thinks he looks exactly like my husband. I don’t think he got anything from me.
3 years later: child sighs heavily, slams doors, and rolls eyes so far back he can see his spine.
Me: Theeeere it is.
Hey…quick question, fellas:
Does it still count as leg day if you just shaved them?
sorry i’m late i had to catch a chicken is something i’d never thought i’d say, but here we are
How come nobody’s made an anti-depressant called “Les Miserables”?
[mob about to stone a sinner]
JESUS: Stop! Let he who is without sin throw the first stone.
[mob drops rocks]
JESUS: [picks up rock]
I gave my boyfriend/husband my passcode for my phone, not because I trust him to be mature about what he finds, but because I know he’d never remember it.
Me: I’m gonna put a note in our son’s lunchbox
Wife: Aw that’s nice
[Later]
Son *reading* sorry I ate your sandwich
Dam, girl. What did you think I was building?
– Beaver
*a dog sits down at a roulette table and pushes his life savings in chips to the center*
Put it all on Grey
“Welcome, teachers & parents, to our community school assembly”
*gestures to 237 IKEA boxes*
“Let’s begin! Who’s got the Allen wrench?”
Is this:
A. A blue shark
B. A leopard shark
C. A pelagic thresher
D. None of the above
I’m not a doctor, but I play one on eHarmony.
Me: [going in for a hug]
Loudspeaker: SECURITY TO THE OCTOPUS TANK