gf: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i act like i know everything?
gf: yea-
me: i knew it
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my daughter hones her survival instincts by forgoing the provided bowl and spreading goldfish crackers all over the house to forage & store
My kids have eaten one bite out of everything in our refrigerator today.
[Outside liquor store]
Underage kid: Hey mister, can you buy me some beer?
Me: Sure, if you show me how stories on Instagram work I’ll buy you black tar heroin.
Overheard by myself while in the bathroom just now:
•”That’s cheating; you can’t jump off that!”
•”You’re using toothpick as a weapon?!”
•”Shh… if we only eat two each, she won’t know.”
•”I bet Mom’s reading a book in there.”
[me telling my story how I survived a plane crash and lived on a deserted island for a year] it was crazy
[friend who once got a text from me where I accidentally called the grinch the grink] was the grink there?
Me: They were out of tampons, so I got you a box of bandaids instead.
Her:
[meeting girlfriend’s dad]
Me: nice to meet you, Mr. Phillips
Him: Dr, I have a PhD
Me: oh, nice to meet you Dr. Phdillips
Me: I think I’m gonna do a live scream tonight
Her, about to regret asking this question: don’t you mean live strea-
Me: *inhales*
My husband just got to level three on netflix: “faking an illness” to finish binge watching
I’m on level 6: “faking your own abduction”
Volkswagen’s crimes are CHARMING compared to Samsung’s immeasurable noise pollution with their default whistling asshole ringtone.
*Throws caution to the wind*
*gets covered in caution*
got a huge lump of coal in my stocking which was awesome because it was starting to get pretty cold.
Son: What is wrong with those people?
Me: Stop staring. They’re indigenous to Wal-Mart. We are the outsiders here.
tryna choke on gummy bears so my tombstone can read killed by a bear
Rasputin never died that day, as an immortal being. He hid for decades, before dropping the “Ras” and slipping back into Russian politics.
This intermittent fasting thing would be so much easier if I could just move the clocks ahead so willy nilly every day
“LEEEEET’S GET READY TO TUUUUUUMBLE!!!”
-wet laundry
*pours a shaker of salt into the ocean*
You’re free now
I like that Linkin Park song where the guy suddenly screams.
Love it when people who don’t eat sushi cringe and ask, “isn’t that just raw fish?”
Like the waiter is going to bring you a bucket of trout heads and feed you like a seal.
[dinner]
SIS: I have allergies.
BRO: Nothing worse this time of year.
ME: I have a guy who couldn’t pronounce a safe word and is in a coma.
Husband is watching a Hunger Games movie marathon with the kids.
Little does he know that while he’s at work all day, I LIVE the Hunger Games with these people. And it’s definitely a marathon.
[driving behind a van with a “watch for motorcycles” sticker]
Me [leans over to wife]: Haha what kind of idiot would take that trade
“OMG, this is better than sex!”
-Me, snacking during sex
No matter how badly you need the money, never take a loan from the gulls. They can’t be reasoned with, and they will find you.
Why was Bezos rocket named Blue Origin and not Shuttlecock?
“How old are you?”
Things you say to your third child.
Me: *winking while holding up an eggplant
Passport photographer: No
[doing a crossword]
friend: what’s a 9 letter word for phony
me: baby horse
friend: no like fake
me: unicorn jr
wife: What can you make with rum?
me: A baby
wife
me: I’m not allowed to say things anymore am I?