there is no need for awkward apologies if you walk in on someone and they’re naked, just say “haha saw your doodle” and walk off. simples
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It’s amazing how one freaking mouse can make you clean the entire damn house.
American government is of the people, by the people and for the people. Which begs the question: what is wrong with you people?
People complain a lot about Peeps, but when I really want to eat something slightly toxic and also glittery, they’re the first thing I reach for
There’s just something about my posture after sitting in front of a computer for hours, a certain je ne sais quasimodo
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but it’s time to throw out that tater salad from Thanksgiving
Bathroom hand dryers are amazing if you want to kill a few minutes before wiping your hands on your pants.
My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.
You: Wow, check out that cool dog
Your friend who is also an algorithm: Do you want to buy a dog? View the top ten reasons dogs are better than cats. What is the nicest dog to get? See what veterinarians say. Dog breeders in your area
Sorry but why wasn’t Jesus suspicious when he got invited to the “Last Supper”
At Red Robin, you can substitute bottomless broccoli for bottomless fries. . . what kind of psycho wants bottomless broccoli? And who thinks it’s a substitute for fries?
Nothing shows more confidence in humanity that a mom with 4 kids in a drive through not checking the order before she pulls away
losing the office zoom costume competition to GRAPES <<<<<
Twitter dot com. *sigh*
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!-Amish drive by
I appreciate a dentist who accepts “I didn’t really expect to live this long” as the answer to why I haven’t been properly taking care of my teeth.
Don’t worry, millennials, every time you spell it “tho,” I say “ugh,” so it ends up being spelled right.
I made a recipe that called for aubergines. The grocery store didn’t have any so I substituted eggplants.
Sorry I dressed up your babies for a cowboys and Indians reenactment.
It was super cute until the smallpox incident.
[David Attenborough watching me when I overslept and have 5 minutes to get ready for work]
Extraordinary.
Why did humans stop making constellations? What’s stopping us from pointing at a pattern of stars and going “that’s Cher.”
I’m normally not a jealous person, but I wouldn’t mind switching places with the astronauts that were just launched out of Earth’s atmosphere.
My 11yo just told me the assignment is “mandatoryish” so he doesn’t actually NEED to do it.
My kid: I’M NOT GOING TO BED!
Prison guard: *pinches bridge of nose* Again, this is not up to you.
OK. Hear me out. We are acquiring way too many of these and you’re not good at keeping them dusted anyway. So, let’s just dump EVERYONE’S cremated remains into this big one and clear up some table space.
Man reading a book: hot
Man with a baby: hot
Man reading a book to a baby: hold me back my ovaries have exploded.
So sad that kids today spend so much time online. When we were kids we were always outside throwing rocks at one another, shoplifting at the mall, trying drugs… one time I drank gasoline.
Soooo, if the string breaks off…do you just make yourself sneeze so that it shoots out?
Female cashier: [stares at me]
*rings up tampons*
Heard a rival dad in the neighborhood was handing out full size candy bars so now every trick-or-treater that comes to my door is getting an entire rotisserie chicken.