*Walks into brothel*
One chicken soup to go please
You Might Also Like
My day has been so awful I keep looking around to see if Nicolas Cage is in it.
I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when you said hi.
Texted my wife that our 4-year-old jumped rope for the first time. Later, she came home & said to him, “I heard you jumped rope today?”
He replied, “How did you hear me do that? You were at work!”
my mom gave me a whistle in case you guys start giving me advice
hate playing make believe with little kids. u shoot them with a laser and theyre like “actually i went back in time so it doesnt count”. tf are u talking about. u just casually rip open a hole in the space-time continuum? thats irresponsible as shit pal
Argue with me at your own risk. I have cutting comebacks a week later when I’m in the shower.
Me: when I was your age we had nine planets
6: what happened? We only have 8 now.
Me: aliens destroyed one because the kids wouldn’t keep their room clean.
6: 😳
Hubby: um honey…
Me: what? It’s better than the truth!
You don’t know fear until you cough out a tampon nowhere near a bathroom.
(tickling you a little) add me to your cell phone plan dude cmon
It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas
May I get your name? Yes, its “I’m The Only Person Here Waiting For Coffee.”
Me: *hyperventilating* 911? BEES! … EVERYWHERE! … SEND…HELP!
“Sir we don’t …”
Me: OMG! DON’T YOU HAVE A SWAT TEAM FOR THIS?
I don’t know if there’s a right time for your preschooler to whisper, “are humans made out of meat?” in your ear, but I know that 3 AM is the wrong time.
guys: women are a mystery.
women: Here is what we-
guys: LITERALLY WHAT DO THEY WANT?
women: well for start-
guys: Guess we’ll never know!
Priest: Marriage lasts until death. You’re not married in heaven.
Me: Why not?
Wife: Then we’d be in hell.
Read my skeleton’s diary today. Anyone know what “loathsome flesh blanket” means?
My issue with Jeopardy is that you never get the sense that the contestants are in any real danger
84% of Canadians think the preparations for the American blizzard are “cute”
There’s no way you can prove to me that pterodactyls didn’t pronounce the p
coworker: hey grant
me: [stands up]
cw: u know what I hate about this job
me: [walks out of office]
cw: [follows me] u know what I hate
me: [takes elevator to top floor]
cw: u know what I hate
me: [climbs ladder to rooftop]
cw: u know what I hate
me: [jumps]
Dentist: ok open up
“Well I guess it all started when my dad left…”
Dentist: no I mean-
Assistant: wait bill…let him finish
Patron: I’ll have the french toast
Waiter, donning a beret and raising a glass: oui oui, mon amie
[calling in sick]
BOSS: This is the third time in a month you’ve had a stomach flu…How is that even possible?
ME {trying to not let on I’m a cow}: Well I definitely have only one stomach that’s for sure
Have kids so they can wake you at 2 a.m. yelling with what you think is a nightmare and your adrenaline spikes as you rush to their room worried and ready to console them but instead find out they’re just complaining that “it’s too boring in here”
I like when the ending credits show pictures from the episode I just watched. What a fun trip down memory lane.
There’s a mom at the school pickup with a shirt that says “I don’t always whoomp, but when I do, there it is.” I think I love her
People always ask Jesus to take the wheel but there were no cars back then so how good a driver can he really be
Just because you can yin a yang or quid a pro quo, that doesn’t mean you can zag a zig or tit a tat.
I turned the location off on my phone so an international spy agency isn’t aware that I’m eating fast food today. I want to impress them.
7yo: You count to 20 and I’ll hide.
Me: Ok. [Starts counting.]
[Goes downstairs to drink coffee and eat cookies.]