Me: When I was little I was never allowed in grandma and grandad’s bed if I was scared.
6yo: That’s sad Mommy. I’m going to tell grandma and grandad that they have to let you in their bed tomorrow.
Me: Oh no no no baby. I’m good!
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A group of eavesdroppers is called a heard.
*Runs fingers over Braille calendar*
Is this a date? It feels like a date.
Don’t call them paint “chips” if you don’t want me to snack on em.
[18 years after texting a guy “I’m pregnant”]
Him: hey I just saw your text
[describing a chair] it’s like a swing without all the drama
You can teach a man to lead a fish to water but you can’t make him drink a horse
[sitting on park bench]
homeless guy: I’m so alone
me: okay wow I’m right here
I bet the kids in Mrs. Doubtfire were surprised when found out their nanny was famous actor Robin Williams the whole time.
I’ve never skydived but I have had to do math in front of a bunch of people in a meeting so I think I understand the adrenaline rush.
rich people: i’m on a list?
lawyer: yes
rich people: forbes?
lawyer: no
“This cereal tastes nothing like Pebbles.”
~Bamm Bamm
*cough*
I tried quitting this mom job but the exit interview was just my kids saying “But why?” for 4 hours straight.
[graduation]
…and I owe it all to my mom, and my late dad *sheds tear*
[crowd cries]
*dad walks in holding starbucks*
“traffic, my bad”
I always look for the best looking cashier at the supermarket and always end up at the self checkout lane
Waking up in my 20s: shoot I have a pimple
Waking up in my 30s: shoot I have unresolved trauma in my lower back
Whoever named rice cakes is probably also responsible for Paris, Texas
People that say, “If you already have a couple of kids, what’s a couple more?” have obviously never had four kids.
Just finished my first painting.
Tasted awful.
Jesus: *tearing bread* this is my body
Disciples: ooh
Jesus: *pouring wine* and this is my blood
Disciples: ahh
Jesus: *putting Nickelback on Spotify* and this is How You Remind Me
I’m completely over my ex, is the name of my poem to her
“Do you know what the fear of belly buttons is called?”
“Omphalophobia.”
“Why do you know that?!?”
“I studied at the Navel Academy.”
I once worked with a girl named Brittanica…she was a bit aloof though I didn’t really know how to read her
The bad news is my toddler dumped my husband’s large water bottle all over the couch and himself. The good news is now he’s had his bath
They left us in the waiting room so long at the orthodontist this morning my son formulated a plan for what he would do there in case of earthquakes, tornadoes, hurricanes, fire, kidnappers and zombies
Me as student: how can I make my essay 400 word essay longer to fit this 500 word limit
Me as professor: if I cut 5,099 words, I will almost be at the 12,000 word limit
I only shave on days when I’ll be having sex.
I live life as a yeti now.
Autocorrect just changed faux pas to faux pasta and this gluten war has gotten out of hand.
Day 20. Still lost at sea. Crew thinks I know how to plot a course with a protractor. I just like making it walk on the map. Pointy Leg Man.